Emma said, "Mom! You have to keep going! I love your stories. You can't stop now."
This has been an amazing year. This morning, I sat in my bed, long after the kids were up. And I read back over the experience of losing my dad. I relived each detail I wrote. I cried and remembered. As I wiped my tears and got up for the day, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that I had documented that experience.
One of the last things my dad told me during his last month on earth was, Rindi, don't run faster than you have strength. He had been faithfully following along my blog, and he often worried that I had too much on my plate. I kind of laughed it off. I know, Dad, I said, I know. But I really was listening.
I've been thinking about those words today. I usually do run faster than I have strength. It's like I can drum up the strength to run faster than I can really handle. And when I set my mind on a goal...watch out.
I rolled out of bed today with a really tired back. I made pancakes for the kids, and then got cleaning. And cleaning hard! I have my heart set on those 100 bags. Tired back or not.
We were just finishing up our ham sandwiches for a really late lunch when Greg came in the door from work. He clapped his hands when he saw my progress and rallied the troops. "Let's do this!" he shouted.
We worked like never before, clear until 6:30 when we were all ready to drop over from both fatigue and hunger. By that time, we had completely cleaned out our storage closet, taken down our entire Christmas, labeled the heck out of everything (Julia's been the label lady), dragged bags and bags of crap out of there, and then dropped onto the couches. We ate plain quesadillas. Julia grilled them for us. We were just too tired to do anything else. But our bag count now topped thirty.
We weren't done, but I jumped in the shower so we could head to a wedding reception for some members of our ward. I stretched in the hot water. My back was begging me to lie down. The little boys showered with me, splashing around with their new shaving kits from Grandma Jake, and staying in long after I got out.
It was a cute Cowboy wedding, and we showed up just as the line ended and the dancing started. We hugged the bride and groom, grabbed some cookies, and made our way out of there. I was SO weary by the time we climbed into our Escalade and slowly made our way home. After all the golfing yesterday, and all the hard work today, I was just feeling exhausted. All I wanted was to climb into bed.
For the last couple of days, I had been helping our Elder's Quorum President fill our temple-cleaning assignment, and as we drove, I wondered out loud to Greg whether or not Brett had gotten enough volunteers. Literally right then, my phone dinged with a text message. It was Brett. He told me we were short on volunteers to clean the Temple Visitor's Center.
I can't go, I thought. I just can't. I'm too tired.
I knew I didn't have to go. I knew there are lots of things to which a person is allowed to say no. But somehow, I found myself wrapping my jacket tightly around me and driving myself along the dark streets toward the Temple. It was quiet when I got there. And the Christmas lights were so beautiful, reminding me of the time a few years ago when we came with the kids and helped put them up.
Before long, I was dusting and washing windows and completely working up a sweat. I cleaned high and low for almost an hour. When I wiped the marble base of the Christus, I found myself staring right into the nail prints of His feet. I paused. I looked up, all the way up, to His outstretched arms and His face. I saw the prints in His hands. My heart swelled with love and gratitude. Oh, how I love Him. I knew that He was the reason I was here. I wiped a little bit slower as I circled that beautiful statue.
Greg teases me, but I love looking in people's windows as we drive by at night. I know that sounds creepy! But there is something so cozy to me about seeing people moving around, laughing, cooking, sitting down to dinner, all within the warmth of their own home. I love to let my imagination fill in the details of all that cannot be heard from the outside looking in. At my own home, one of my favorite things to do is catch a glimpse of our life through the back windows. Every now and then, I've needed to go check the pool equipment, or gather something off the grass before bedtime, or take out the evening trash. As I turn around and head back in, I love seeing my family inside. I pause for a minute. And it's a way for me to get a different perspective. It's quiet and dark, and for a minute, I see them, without hearing them, and I absolutely adore what I see.
Tonight while washing all of the glass doors, I kept stepping out into the cold to clean the outside of the doors. Suddenly, I couldn't hear the vacuuming going on, or the people talking... I couldn't hear anything from inside. The night air was crisp, faint Christmas music was playing for the light display, and the glow of the brilliant white Temple was reflecting off the glass I was cleaning. It was an enchanting feeling. I sprayed and wiped and breathed in the cold air. My heart just soared with gratitude that I was here serving. I felt gratitude to be alive. I felt gratitude to be standing so near to the House of The Lord.
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| Looking in from the outside... |
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| The St. George, Utah Temple The House of The Lord |
When I drove home, I felt happy inside. And that was the first moment I realized that I hadn't noticed my aching back once during the hour I cleaned the Temple Visitor's Center.
Dad, I just don't know how not to run so fast. So, I'm praying for more strength.
Give me strength, and I will keep running.
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