Ah, lovely Monday. The house is quiet and clean. The skies outside are very gloomy, and it's only in the 50s today, but I've felt warmly tucked into my house all day. Twice during my cleaning, while listening to General Conference talks, I've heard the word SERENITY, and both times it has caught my soul's attention. In thinking about who and what I want to be, I like that word--serenity.
You see, I've been fighting off some non-serene thoughts these last few days. At some points, I've been downright angry. And that's NOT how I want to be.
I've always been super competitive. Whether it was Roy Rec basketball, passing off the countries and capitols in sixth grade, or playing a game in Primary, I wanted to win. I've always been that way. But who knew I would take my competitiveness to an insanely different level. I'm turning out to be competitive even as a sick person! If I'm not careful, I'll be one of those people with a headstone that says, "See! I told you I was sick!" And my family will sit around at my funeral and say, "Well, we sure are glad to see that mom's feeling better!" And I'll scream down from heaven, "I'm NOT feeling better!"
When I was dragging my sick self around trying to get ready for Austin's birthday party, I kept looking forward to Greg coming home to help. But when he straggled in with A FEVER and went straight to bed, I was anything but full of serenity towards him. I can hardly believe myself! I mean, who feels anger towards a person in bed with a fever?!? Me, apparently. That's how crazy I've become. Greg told me that it's like I'm walking around with a chip on my shoulder. And I guess that's pretty accurate, because when I did the Sunday dinner dishes while he rested on the couch, I was feeling mighty chippy. Part of me wants to prove that I'm sicker, and another part of me wants to prove that I'm tougher. That's actually a pretty sick way to think about it, if you really think about it.
Even with all of the service my family has been giving me, the minute I have to get up and do something while someone else "rests" I start to feel anger inside. And everyone nicely offers advice like, "Mother, just leave those dishes, or that laundry. Please just rest and relax." But even that advice frustrates me, because we all know who I'll be "leaving it" for. So, I heft that mighty chip up onto my shoulder and get to work. It's been loads of fun.
So, not only have I been suffering with a massive sickness this week (yes, I'm THAT sick!), I've also had to suffer with a massive bad attitude, too. It's been, well, exhausting.
Once when our family went boating with another family in our ward, I joked to the father, who is a marriage therapist, that he was probably analyzing and seeing all sorts of things to say about our marriage. He just laughed and said, "No, but I do see that you guys are rather competitive with one another." It was laughs all around. (Until we get sick at the same time!)
Greg is ultra competitive, too. It's something that I was very attracted to when I first met him. On our first real date, he took me bowling. I had a broken finger on my right hand, and I couldn't bowl properly. So, to be a perfect gentleman, he offered to bowl left handed with me. I thought it was the sweetest thing. However, we were with another couple, and it would've killed us both to lose to them, so Greg tried really hard and bowled well over 200 with his left hand! Competitive much? And when we try to play a backyard basketball game with the kids, Greg and I are on opposite teams. I like to think we are the facilitators, passing and making it possible for the little ones to get a chance. Greg likes to think we are in a full-on game against one another. He blocks my shots, steals the ball from me as I make a nice little pass to a CHILD, and body slams me any chance he can get. It's awesome.
We've had a lot of fun on dates playing tennis or pickle ball, but I usually end up a sweaty mess trying to beat him. Somehow he can conserve his energy and perfectly place the ball so that I am running all over the court. There are things that I'm better at, though. Like running. And maybe that's why I've loved being running partners with him! Ha ha! He jokes that he just prefers the view from behind!
There's no way to win at being the sickest. Or the hardest working. We both just end up frustrated. It is so hard to even compare what the two of us do every day. Somehow, when it comes to my marriage, I need to stop being competitive. I need to be kind and graceful.
I felt a touch better today. So I worked really hard to clean the whole house and finish all of the laundry. And while I worked I listened to the sweet words of the General Authorities. I read my scriptures and said my prayers. And twice I heard the word serenity spoken. We need to develop an inner serenity that allows us to be Christ-like. I liked that so much. Serenity sounds so peaceful and kind. Serenity sounds loving, like someone who is willing to serve, not someone who is angry and carrying around a grudge. Serenity sounds like something we feel inside our heart and soul.
I'm going to try really hard to develop peace in my heart. I need peace to accept the way things are. I need peace to relax when everything is messy and chaotic. I need peace to enjoy the beautiful blessings of life right this minute. Somehow, this weekend, I let my sickness cloud my mind and amplify my competitive nature. It wasn't fun. Win or lose.
I'm so thankful for the way the spirit entered my heart today and cleared out any angry feelings. And when Greg texted me to see how I was feeling and to offer love and sympathy, I felt love and concern for him and the way HE was feeling. That's how I know serenity was inching its way in and anger was inching its way out. I'm a work in progress...and that's the truth!
No comments:
Post a Comment