February 15, 2017

Today I took the boys to Moms and Muffins at their school.  I also drove Julia’s school carpool, went to Parent Teacher Conferences, and took five of the kids to the dentist.  From the dentist, I drove the girls to Volleyball practice, ran back to the dentist to pick up the boys and pay, then hurried home to start dinner, and headed back to pick up the girls from Volleyball.  Then it was back at home to finish my enchilada casserole (Mom’s recipe and I still love it!) and to get dinner on the table.  

Earlier in the afternoon, Greg had texted me to let me know that we needed to work on our taxes this evening.  And I had texted back saying, OK!

After dinner, I did dishes, and we worked on homework and piano practice.  I helped Emma with a poem she was learning and sat by Austin as he read his school book.  By now it was time to get the boys to bed. So, I began that arduous task of herding everyone upstairs.  At some point, Greg made a sarcastic comment like, “Thanks for helping with the taxes.”  

I know Greg was tired.  He had worked hard all day in Mesquite.  It’s a long commute and a long day on Wednesdays.  He manages our money so well, and I’ve left a lot of that up to him.  I’m sure it’s pretty stressful.  Later, while Lance climbed around our bed, I sat down to discuss the Parent Teacher Conferences before starting on the taxes.  

The Parent Teacher Conferences were so successful.  Austin’s teacher said that he has been really good lately, and his grades are soaring.  So, for now, I’ll just keep sending him with his little watch that is supposed to remind him every time he looks at it, “Mom wants me to be good!”  And I’ll keep telling him every day to be quiet and obedient and a good student.  Miles’s teacher could not say enough good about Miles.  Miles is excelling in the fifth grade!  She is such a great teacher and Miles has been so happy in her class.  I left the school feeling very relieved and proud of my boys.  So, I sat on the bed, wanting to share that with Greg.  And that got us started talking about the kids in general.  And then we moved on to parenting techniques and things we should or shouldn’t be doing.  

Greg and I haven’t always been on the exact same page when it comes to parenting.  He thinks I’m too soft.  I think he’s too tough.  I guess when you put us together, our kids are getting perfect parenting, right?  Ha ha!  Anyway, we got started talking about these same sticking points between us (and he was probably still frustrated that I had never had time for the taxes) and I started feeling a little upset.  He likes the way he was raised; I like the way I was raised.  We were raised differently.  How can either of us ever be right?!?!? We eventually stopped talking about it, and I went to put Lance to bed.  When I came back, Greg was quietly snoring away on his side of the bed.  I climbed into my side of the bed and started to think.  I let some irrational thoughts creep into my mind.  What if Greg thinks I’m doing it all wrong?  What if I AM doing it all wrong?  But this is pretty much ALL I’m doing with my life!  And then I started thinking of all the things I probably am doing wrong.  Sneaky little tears popped out from under my eyelids and ran down my cheeks.  Emotions are an interesting thing.  They usually express themselves in the most unexpected ways!  Sometimes you just need to let some feelings flow.  So, I let those tears fall.  And I wallowed just a touch in my self pity.  

Greg just kept right on breathing deeply next to me, completely unaware of my feelings.  I said my prayers and settled into my pile of pillows.  It’s all going to be okay.  So, I pulled out my kindle and read “Torn Trousers” for a while.  Pretty soon my eyes were drooping.

You know, adulthood is far more intense than I ever thought it would be.  I am always surprised at the range of ups and downs and emotionally charged experiences.  It takes a lot of effort to keep everything, and every relationship, on track.  Sometimes it takes a lot of deep breathing.  

As I read back over this post, I’m tempted to erase it.  I usually love to portray a very happy picture of my beautiful life, which it IS!  But I’d never want anyone to think we were perfect.  Yes, I choose to focus on the positive.  And that’s a really great way to live life.  But the truth is, in this house, we aren’t perfect.  We get irritated and annoyed.  We argue and debate.  We get our feelings hurt and cry.    And that’s all an important part of my adulthood, too.  

My dad once pointed out that when people get older and sit down to write their life history, they tend to write extensively about their childhood and also their later years with retirement and travel, but they merely brush through their middle-age adulthood.  These can be the years of real struggle, when life is busy and stressful and your metabolism slows down enough to make you start to feel old! Maybe it’s okay that people choose not to focus on these years, but as my dad pointed out, it leaves the rest of us unsure of ourselves as we navigate these same years.  Greg and I struggle to find time to nurture our marriage.  We struggle to meet the emotional needs of all six of our children.  We struggle to stay in shape and eat healthy.  We struggle to teach those things to our children.  We struggle with an enormously busy church life.  We struggle with keeping on top of the household tasks, like grocery shopping, home maintenance, and money maintenance.  We struggle with our budget.  We struggle with our spiritual things, like couple prayer, family prayer, and family scripture study.  We struggle to be patient.  We struggle with bedtime.  We struggle with getting enough sleep.  We struggle! It can be really hard!  But the point is, we DO struggle with it…we never quit.  We drag ourselves out of bed every day and keep trying, keep going, keep learning.  And we mix in many moments of love and joy and happiness.  So days where a few frustrated tears fall out are okay.  It’s my life.  It’s a whole messy existence mixed up into one.  This is my life.  And my name is Rindi.  And I wouldn’t change it for the world!

P.S. I never helped Greg with the taxes.  Whoops!
P.P.S The kids are cavity free!  Wahoo!