February 11, 2017

This post has been on my mind for a few days.  I hope I can write it the way I've been dreaming of it.

I absolutely love to read!  I read an article from the Reader's Digest while I brush my teeth, I read a book while I eat my lunch, I read the articles people post on Facebook while I wait in the carpool line.  And that's exactly what got me thinking about the topic of parenthood.  See, lots of people post articles on how to raise children.  And I usually read those articles.  I'm constantly thinking and re-thinking about my current profession as a mother, so if someone has a great suggestion, I'm all over it.  But sometimes I read something that just doesn't ring true to me.  It's during those moments that I start to wonder about the qualifications one might need to write a parenting how-to article.  Can anyone ever be a parenting expert?  I mean, even if you have lots of children and you raise them to be successful adults, how can you say you are an expert?  Maybe you were blessed with great children.  I've seen parents who seem like excellent parents have children fail miserably.  And I've read enough memoirs to know that some pretty successful people come from pretty horrific parents.  So, the way I see it, unless you could raise a bunch of children to adulthood and then those same children could start over and be raised by another set of parents to adulthood, it is difficult to know just how great of a parent you really are.

But parenting matters.  I know it does.  As I've pondered this thought through the years, I've decided that maybe I'm the mother MY children need.  Or better yet, maybe God knows the mother my children need, and if I pray and listen to Him, I'll become the mother they need.  And it might be a very different type of mother than the neighbor next door.  But that's okay.  Just as there is not one type of child, there doesn't need to be one type of mother.  I've gloried in that thought.  All I need to do is be the mother my child needs--the mother my Father in Heaven wants me to be.

I love talking with other mothers.  I'm constantly inspired by the great examples of those around me.  So when I saw an article titled, "Stop doing these 8 things for your Teen this School Year," by Amy Carney (amycarney.com), I was intrigued.  As I read, I became more and more distraught.  This was written by a parenting "expert," but it didn't look much like the way I parent.  You can read the whole article on her website.  The author started the article by saying:

Don’t judge me if you happen to see my kids eating packaged Ritz crackers for school lunch.
Don’t judge me if they’re on the sidelines of PE because they forgot their uniform.
Don’t judge me if they didn’t turn in their homework because it’s still sitting home on their desk.

What some may view as a lack of parenting, is what I deem parenting on purpose, as we work to build necessary life skills in our kids.

I stopped making daily breakfasts and packing school lunches long ago.

I don’t feel obligated to deliver forgotten items left behind at home.

School projects and homework are not any part of my existence.

How do we raise competent adults if we’re always doing everything for our kids?

I completely applaud this woman for "parenting on purpose."  It takes a lot of love and effort to be a good parent.  But I also wondered if this article might cause some angst amongst those who have found a different way to parent.  Here are the 8 things, since you are probably wondering:

1. Stop Waking Them Up In The Morning (My girls have an alarm clock, so we are good here!)

2. Stop Making Their Breakfast and Packing Their Lunch (Ouch!)

3. Stop Filling Out Their Paperwork (Umm.. okay?)

4. Stop Delivering Their Forgotten Items (Why?)

5. Stop Making Their Failure To Plan Your Emergency (We just adapt.)

6. Stop Doing All Of Their Laundry (Interesting...)

7. Stop Emailing Or Calling Their Teachers And Coaches (Yes!)

8. Stop Meddling In Their Academics (Meddling?)

And while I agree with most of these things, a few of them and the way she illustrated her points really felt rough.  This might be exactly what HER children need in order to learn the lessons they need to learn.  But that may not be true for everyone.

Sometimes my kids eat cereal for breakfast--sometimes for many days in a row, like when I'm pregnant and sick, or when I have a brand-new baby keeping me up all night.  But sometimes I make waffles with strawberries, or cream of wheat with a big, ol' pile of buttered toast, or Greg makes his homemade oatmeal with brown sugar and a glass of milk.  That's how I do "parenting on purpose."  My kids are going to leave the house in the morning filled up and ready for their rigorous day.  My mom made my breakfast nearly every day of my life, and I was so grateful, and in no way was I ill-prepared to survive life away from home once I moved out.  I left the comfort of my childhood home filled up and ready to face my own rigorous LIFE.  

My mom also did all my laundry.  I used to come home from school and head straight to the laundry room.  I would sit atop the counter and unload my day while she sorted and folded, handing me clothes while we talked.  I learned a gazillion life lessons alongside my mother in the laundry room.  In my home, I'm the main laundress.  The kids are great to help, and in the summer we especially work together.  But for the most part, I make sure their clothes and uniforms are washed and ready to go.  When my kids come tumbling through the door late at night, sweaty from practice, with lots of homework still to do, I'm so happy to take that sweaty uniform and have it ready by the next day.  To me, that's love.  And sometimes, after school, my teenagers join me in the laundry room for a good chat, just like I did with my mom.  When I moved out and got married, I started doing all of my own laundry.  And my heart still swells with love for my mom who helped me when I was a busy teenager.  

It's interesting because earlier this week, just a few days after I had read this article, Emma started digging through her backpack in a panic.  She couldn't find the small, white square of material she'd been working on in her sewing class.  It was to be a "stain" square and she needed to put the finishing touches on it before school the next day.  I glanced over from the kitchen where I was working, noticing the messy state of her backpack, and her rising panic as papers started flying around the family room.  This article flashed into my mind.  I thought of all the talk about letting your children fail, and teaching them to keep themselves neat and organized, and not rushing to rescue them.  I thought about commenting about how careless she was to shove a tiny white square of material into that disheveled backpack, but then her beautiful face crumpled.  Her shoulders sagged as they started to shake.  Big tears fell from her eyes onto her cheeks.  I pushed the "8 Things to Stop Doing" from my mind and went to kneel next to her.  Together we looked through every sheet of paper and every page of her notebooks.  We shook out books and emptied out the pockets.  Still no square of material.  I put my arms around Emma and together we talked about the possible solutions to her predicament.  Then together we pulled out my sewing machine and some old scraps of material, and I left her at the table, re-sewing her assignment and applying stains while I put the little boys to bed.  Then we stood together at the laundry room sink as I taught my daughter how to treat different laundry stains.  She was amazed!  I loved that teaching moment.  And she was so thankful that I was helping her.  

The next day, Emma came home from school so happy to report that she got full credit on her stain-square assignment.  She thanked me again, and as I watched her open her backpack, I noticed a perfectly organized, completely clean interior.  I realized that Emma had learned more than one lesson, all on her own.  Maybe for some kids, standing on the side without the proper P.E.clothes is good, but for others it would be detrimental to raising successful adults.  And for Emma, well, I think she learned to keep a neater, more organized backpack (and I didn't need to say a thing), but she also learned that no problem is the end of the world.  There are always ways to try to fix things.  And I hope she learned that she's not alone.  There are people who love her and are there for her.  In my lifelong experience, that has always been my experience.  There is always someone there for me, willing to help.  So teaching my children that "sorry, you are on your own" is not something I'm doing.  I believe we are never on our own.  After all, we have a loving Father in Heaven who will always be there for us.  

The other day, my car phone rang.  It never rings.  I usually forget I even have a car phone.  But it was ringing.  I answered it to hear my husband telling me that I had left my cell phone and one of the children at home!  We laughed and laughed as I flipped around to go back.  But Greg didn't leave me hanging because I forgot something.  And how about when Greg called one day from work in a panic because he had forgotten the files he needed for his meeting with the accountant?  I didn't leave him on his own to "learn a lesson."  No, I drove to his office with the files. And he thanked me.  When he forgets his lunch, I run it to him.  And WHENEVER I'm in a panic about anything, Greg is right there for me.  That's what my adulthood looks like.  We are there for each other.  That's what I'm trying to teach my children.  On purpose. 

I understand what this article is trying to do.  And it's mostly great.  My girls use an alarm clock, help pack their own lunch, and manage their grades completely on their own.  I let them talk to their teachers and coaches all on their own, even if we have to role-play exactly what they will say.  But when the author of the article talked about letting them navigate the real-life failures all on their own, she lost me.  Teenagers have enough pressure in their lives.  I want mine to know that I'm here.  So if you work all evening on your homework assignment and then leave it on the kitchen counter, please call me.  I'll do my best to bring it.  And if you procrastinate your big project until the day before it's due, I'll give you a lecture, and then sit by your side to get it done.  And if you have a big game, I'll make sure your jersey is clean.  And I'll bring you a snack to the game too.  

I love my little family...with my whole heart.

One night, at bedtime, Julia remembered that she was supposed to run a timed mile by the next day.  She had actually told me about this assignment multiple times, asking me to time her, but I had put her off because I was busy.  Now here we were, ready for bed and she remembered.  She actually decided that she would just fail the assignment.  But I wanted her to learn something different.  So I had her get dressed and come with me outside.  It was still a dusky evening when I sent her off with my phone and headphones measuring her route.  I stood waiting alone, barefoot, on the warm sidewalk.  Only a few minutes later, I saw her come charging back around the corner, and I cheered as she finished her mile.  "Julia," I said, as we walked back into the house, arm in arm, "it's never too late to do your best."  

And she said, "Thanks for helping me, Mom."

Maybe I'm ruining my children by being there for them when they need me.  And maybe not.  But believe me, I'm doing this on purpose.  And if this doesn't ring true for YOU, then maybe this isn't the type of parenting YOUR child needs. But what ALL parents need to do is pray to God for help with the children in OUR homes.  

So, don't judge me if my child has a healthy breakfast and lunch every day.  Don't judge me if my child is prepared for the game/P.E./or whatever activity it may be. Don't judge me if you see me getting a big hug from my teenager in the school parking lot as I hand over some forgotten item.   When I see that my children need a different type of mothering, I'll be the first to make the change, but for now I'm parenting on purpose.