November 10, 2017

Well, I've cried five times today.

I woke up at 6:30 in a joyous splendor.  I had just had a really cool dream about Dad.  As I told the kids all about it over breakfast, I started to cry really hard.

I had been in the middle of the most beautiful forest.  There were paths all through it, lined by flowers and fall trees.  It reminded me of the parks in Ohio.  So forested and green.  So beautiful.  I was in some sort of a convertible car with my cousin Emily.  We had pulled to the side of one of the paths, just enjoying the sights and visiting.  The sun was shining and we were perfectly happy.  Suddenly, I noticed Dad off in the distance coming up the path toward us.  But he was gliding on something like a hover board.  He looked exactly as I remember him.  But just like my other dreams, he looked so clean shaven and fresh-faced.  He looked so happy.  He looked so perfectly healthy.

I sat there in silence as he glided up the path, smiling at us, and then glided right past.  I turned in my seat to keep watching him.  He looked back over his shoulder, getting farther away as he looked, and slowly raised his hand in a friendly wave to me.  His smile to me was so genuine, so loving.  It melted my heart to see him wave.  Not one of us had spoken the entire time.

I turned back and leaned my head on Emily's shoulder.  "That was my Dad!" I told her, in amazement.  Then Emily said, "He looked so alive.  I wonder if maybe...," she paused, "maybe he didn't really die."

I sat right up.  "Emily," I said, "yes, he did!  I saw him die with my own eyes."

We sat there quiet for a minute, thinking.  And then I said, "That was my Dad.  I know it.  It was my Dad, alive after he died."

I woke up after that.  But my heart was warmed.  My soul still felt the glow of the dream, the beauty of those surroundings, the warmth of the sun in that beautiful forest.  I can still very vividly see Dad glancing back over his shoulder, smiling, gliding, and waving to me.

I felt so happy and so sad.

I have absolutely no idea what to make of this dream.  How could my mind come up with all of that? How could my mind make Emily say something that surprised even me in the dream?  Why would I imagine Dad on a hover board??  Did I ever even see the hover board, or is that just what I thought was making him glide?  I also realized later that I didn't feel sad at all in the dream.  And I know that I can be sad in a dream.  I cried my eyes out in many a dream.  But I didn't feel sad.  Just warm and happy.

Later, while shampooing my hair, I thought it all over and cried even harder.  I felt like I had seen Dad today.  And that made me miss him.

 I like to let my tears out in the shower.  It's a quiet, solitary place.  It doesn't mess up my makeup, and the tears just get washed away in the warm water.  It feels like a good place to have a daily cry, if I need it.  I know Dad really is somewhere.  Alive and happy.  That brings me so much comfort.

Today is my darling Owen's sixth birthday!  I wrote a short text to my family reminiscing about the day, and I cried again.  What a day that was!  Here's the text:

 I told my kids this morning that six years ago right now I was in terrible pain. 😂
The nurses were cranking up the pitocin at the same time that my epidural tube had come unattached (unbeknownst to us!). And Stalee’s epidural stopped working, too!! We were having such a similar miserable experience. I was crying in agony and then my doctor told me that Owen was posterior. 😩 I wanted to quit. The doctor offered a c-section. Greg got on the phone with mom. She said that everyone would pray for me. A short while later, I felt a calm and a strength beyond my own. I somehow delivered a beautiful, big baby boy named Owen.
And we were blessed with Charli, sweet Charli.
It was a day of miracles from heaven. I know prayer is real. I know it strengthened me that day. ❤️

Then, there was a knock on my door.  It was a counselor in the outgoing Relief Society presidency.  She handed me her binder of information, so that I could pass it on to my new counselor.  And we hugged and talked.  And we both cried.

Owen and Lance and I hurried out the door to watch the Veteran's Day Parade where Julia would be marching with the Desert Hills Middle School Band.  As soon as the parade started and the flags were waving and the 93-year-old, WWII veteran walked past, and the crowd stood and clapped, I cried again.  I pretty much cried through the whole parade.  Fortunately, I had my sunglasses on, but I was so choked up the whole time.  My emotions have been positively bubbling out of me today!

Lance and Mommy!

Mommy and Owen

We love America!

It's Owen's Birthday!

There's our beauty Julia with her trombone, right in front of us!

Greg surprised me and walked in the door early today!  The kids weren't quite home from school, yet.  I was so happy to see him.  He had just finished SIX surgeries faster than he ever had.  So, he got to come home early.  He looked so handsome, and I told him how proud I am of him and how hard he works for us.  Six surgeries is a lot!

Then I told him about my emotional day.  He sat down at the kitchen table next to me and listened.  When I finished, he said, "I'm sorry you have such an emotional day."

But then I had to respond back, "Don't be sorry.  They have all been happy tears.  Good tears!"  I'm so happy I got to have such a fun dream about Dad.  I'm so grateful that Owen is six years old after a difficult delivery six years ago.  I'm so grateful that I could cry in the shower, letting all of my feelings of love wash over me.  I'm thankful for the tears at the door.  This is a new adventure, and I'm excited to get going.  And the tears at the parade, well, I'm so grateful to live in this amazing country.  My emotions were a mix of gratitude and humility and pride and love.  I just felt so thankful for all of the veterans marching and riding their way along.  And the flag.  It makes me so proud.  I am so very blessed.

I'd had a full day already, but the day was just getting started.  I collected the kids from school and made cupcakes.  When Emma and Julia came home, we celebrated Owen.  He opened his gifts and was thrilled to see four laser tag sets.  Greg got right to work installing the batteries.  Then there were shrieks and squeals in the backyard as they tested it out.  I got things put together inside and got us ready to leave.

Owen's birthday!  Lance is right there to help.

We all piled into the car for the long drive to Las Vegas to meet the Dannehls at the UNLV/BYU game.  Lance slept, and Greg and I visited in the front, and it was a lovely drive.  We all met up at the tailgating party behind the stadium.  We had corndogs and waffles and met the BYU President.  We got pictures with Cosmo, and the boys played football.  We were so excited to see Sunee and Judi's childrens book for sale at the party.  Lance loves their book--Becoming Cosmo.  And he LOVES Cosmo.  So it was so fun to see it all.  Greg tossed the football around to the boys while we waited for the Dannehls.  Finally, we made our way to the stadium.  It was a smaller stadium, and we were so close to the action!  Greg had really low expectations for the game.  I told him that it would be fun no matter the score.  But Greg was worried that he wouldn't have fun if we never scored!  I tried to encourage everyone to just enjoy the experience.

Emma: Go BYU!

Meeting Cosmo!

All the boys!

Austin, Miles, Emma, Julia

The Jacobsens and the Dannehls

Julia, Sam, Emma, and Marlee!

But, bless those Cougars!  They won!!  And it was exciting!  And they gave us plenty to cheer about. It was 31-21, and we were right there to see it all.  Earlier, I told President Wirthin that WE were going to be the lucky charms for BYU.  That this would be their game.  He told me that he really hoped so, because the team needed a boost.  And lo, and behold, BYU did it.  It ended up being an super fun night.  The kids loved it.  The weather was pleasant and cool.  And we were surrounded by other BYU fans.

We left the stadium, happy and tired, at midnight!  We hugged the Dannehls and got on the road.  All the kids immediately fell asleep.  I so badly wanted to join them, but I knew I needed to help Greg stay awake.  So I thought of the most interesting conversations possible and let those take us the two hours home.  We talked all about the things the club coach had told me on the phone today when he called to get a verbal commitment from Emma and Julia.  He was so complimentary of both of them. We talked about sports and kids and future plans.  We talked about parenting and basketball and schedules.  Before we knew it, we were pulling into St. George.  It was two a.m.  We both felt sick from exhaustion, but we were so glad to fall into our own beds.

I'M TIRED!!  GET ME HOME!!

What a great day!!