November 26, 2017

Day 14 as Relief Society President. Ha!

I had ward council and Church and then back for Tithing Settlement.  When we walked back through the doors of the church, Lance cried, "No!"  It was funny.  It has started to be dark when we get out of church.  It's a little it depressing.  We hurried home and had Mom's turkey chowder.  She had made us a big pot with the leftover turkey from Thanksgiving.  I love Mom's chowder.  It was so comforting to me.  We also had leftover jello and pie and rolls.  The kids and Greg are making so much fun of me.  Because I'm making good progress on my second pumpkin pie.  I looooooovee it.  😂

We all cozied up by the fire and watched a few different little video clips.  We showed the kids a few from The Piano Guys.  We also watched the Church's new Light The World video.  It's all about lighting the world with the Savior's love and light--25 ways in 25 days of December.  It made me so emotional.  I feel the strongest feeling to reach out and help other people.  There is a beloved church song that says, "Because I have been given much, I too must give..."  I feel exactly like this.  I feel like the Lord has abundantly blessed us and now we have a great duty to bless others.  It is the fondest wish of my heart.

I have felt my heart soar with love and tenderness so much lately.  What a blessing that is to me!  Maybe it is one of the compensatory blessings since losing my dad.  Someone mentioned to me how horrible it was that I'd lost my dad.  I realized in that moment that I don't feel that way.  I feel so sad, and I long for my dear dad.  But I feel overwhelmingly blessed.  I feel an immense amount of gratitude for the time I got to spend with him.  What a blessing he has been in my life!  And that will never stop.  My elderly neighbor told me that she still misses her own dad, 40 years later!  So while I know I will never stop missing him, I can also plan on always remembering him, too.

November 25, 2017

I was so worried about Julia.  She gave her heart and soul to her team for five games in 24 hours.  I kept telling Julia that she needed to score more.  She responded with 13 and 11 points in her last two games.  And in the last game, it was so intense that she played the whole game.  Before the game even started, she could hardly sit up.  We went for lunch at this little pizza place that we had been to while in Scottsdale.  Last night after we left Panera Bread, Emma spotted a Grimaldi's Pizzeria.  She was SO excited because we had eaten at a Grimaldi's on our girl's trip.  And we had loved it.  So after a couple games today, we went back and had some pizza.  Julia was almost too tired to eat.  I tried to take really good care of her.  I made sure she ate and drank and then I let her lie down in the car and rest in the shade.

After a night's sleep...still tired!

Emma and Mom at breakfast!

The girls ordered banana bread french toast.  Interesting!

I had this huge and delicious breakfast burrito.  

YAY!  We found a Grimaldi's!

As we walked in to the last game, I told her to just do her best, but understand that she was really tired.  Well, the game ended up being really intense and Julia ended up giving her absolute all.  We barely lost, but Julia was amazing.  She hustled and sprinted and chased.  At one point, she chased down this girl on a fast break and flew through the air.  Julia blocked her shot so hard, that the whole crowd went wild.  Both girls fell down, but it was such a clean hard swat.  That was 100 percent hustle and grit.  She has amazing basketball skills, but I am more proud that she knows how to dig deep and work hard.  That skill will serve her so well in her life.  There will be so many days as a wife and mother, or a college student, or when she has a job, when she will feel too tired to keep going.  But I hope she always remembers that she has a deeper well of energy than she realizes. I love the notion of digging deep when life gets tough.  I see that quality in her.  It is awesome.

We practically carried her to the car, she was so tired.  We stopped for a few treats and then headed home.  It was a nice drive.  We talked for an hour and then listened to a comedian named Ryan Hamilton.  He is so super funny.

Greg had worked SO hard while I was gone.  He completely cleaned out the laundry room.  He washed, folded, and put away every stitch of laundry.  And he had the whole house clean.  He'd exercised and made it really fun for the boys.  I'm so thankful for Greg!!

Yesterday while driving though Las Vegas on the freeway, the traffic came to a bit of a standstill.  All of a sudden, we heard this loud screeching noise, and then BANG!  I had glanced in my rearview mirror when I heard the screech, and I watched as a car slammed right into the back of the car next to us.  It really startled us all.  Just then the traffic started to go, and we had no other choice but to keep moving.  I was so scared because that had been SO close to being us.  Emma wanted to say a prayer and ask for our protection, which we did.  But I just felt so thankful for every day and every minute that I know our Heavenly Father is watching over us.  I know He is aware of us.  I'm so thankful we made it home safely.

November 24, 2017

Mom came over this morning to say goodbye.  In a sad turn of events, Jaron has gotten really sick.  Joni rushed him down to Salt Lake to the hospital, and they've admitted him.  He is having trouble breathing and he is very sick to his stomach.  I guess his pain has been so out of control.  Stalee was there and J.B. and Laura have been there, too.  But Mom is cutting her time in St. George a little short to rush back up and help Joni.  We've all been so sad for Jaron.  Many, many prayers have been offered on his behalf.  This is going to be a very difficult road for their family, with so many unexpected turns.  We all love them and pray for their comfort.

Mom dropped off her "Twelve Days of Christmas" for our family.  Before Dad died, they had started planning this and working on it.  Since it was such a huge undertaking, she almost decided to just forget about it.  But then she realized that it was what Dad had wanted to do, and so she has worked really hard to get it finished.  We are SO excited to get started on it.  We all hugged her tight and kissed her goodbye.  Poor Mom.  Her life can't ever just be calm.

Julia started her basketball tournament in Las Vegas today.  Emma and I went with her.  But before we left we had a lovely lunch of leftovers.  I mostly ate stuffing and pumpkin pie.  I found it somewhat ironic that in the end, I ate nearly a whole pumpkin pie and sat on my duff for two days, while Julia practically died form exhaustion while playing FIVE basketball games in two days!  One of us made slightly healthier choices than the other!!

I've probably gained five pounds!  But, it's been so lovely to eat the things I love the very most in the world.  I will say, however, that eating a whole pumpkin pie definitely has it's consequences! 😂

Emma and I had a great time cheering for Julia!  She's so much fun to watch.  She played two games tonight, and almost played the whole time.  She was pretty tired, but we went and had a cozy dinner at Panera.  It was really dark by the time we checked into our hotel.  We love our little girl trips for sports.  Emma has this tradition that we need to watch "Shark Tank."  And sure enough, it was on TV.  It always is.  It's kind of strange that no matter where we are, Shark Tank is on the TV.  So, we watched that a bit before falling asleep.  And I finally convinced Emma that, for the first time, Julia deserved her own bed.

Julia's so awesome.  The coach has her play the top spot on defense a lot.  

As I fell asleep, I was heartsick for Joni and Jaron.  We are all a little shocked at how much this is closely resembling Dad's journey.  He has blood clots in his lungs, trouble breathing, bowel issues...  It's traumatizing to all of us to be reliving this nightmare.  Mom sent a lovely text to all of us saying that another thing that resembles that time is that we are all still a close knit family, willing to love and support one another.  So even though it feels like we are right back in the trauma, we are also right back in each others' thoughts and prayers.  And Joni responded, "Yes, we have so much to be grateful for."

Heavenly Father, in His everlasting wisdom, sent us to be part of a family.  It is the best and greatest way to learn and grow and feel His love.  Not every family lives up to their potential, but I am so blessed to be part of this amazing family.  We have trials and traumas, but we have each other.  And for that, I am extremely grateful.  Nothing else matters.

I love my beautiful girls!
Julia and Emma

November 23, 2017

Thanksgiving 2017.

Truly grateful people are thankful in any circumstance.  

I definitely hope I can be like that.  

I have SO many things to be grateful for…so many wonderful material blessings.  But the things that really matter to me are my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, my beautiful family, and my life here on this earth.  

This morning, I woke up happy.  It’s always a good day when you get to spend it with family.  I remember other Thanksgiving Days when I’ve been upset or frustrated, sick or taking care of someone sick.  I remember one dinner in California when I left with a sick baby and missed the dinner altogether.  By the time I came back, the pumpkin pie was gone.  It was shocking.

So I was really happy to wake up with a house full of healthy, excited big people.  They were all ready to help.  First we did a workout with Greg.  The kids did a great job, really pushing themselves.  We laughed and had fun.  After that I made French Toast for everyone, and sausage egg muffins for Miles (because he’s my boy).  And then it was jobs and haircuts and getting ready to go.

I baked a whole pan of stuffing that would stay at home and wait to be eaten later.  I would also be leaving my pumpkin pies home.  Everyone knows that homemade stuffing and pumpkin pie are THE best part of the meal.  And it’s a must to get leftovers.  I wasn’t going to leave that to chance, so I made my own leftovers!  Emma also whipped the cream for a big bowl of peach & cream jello.  My mom used to put warm peach jello in our baby bottles for church.  So, I can never smell a batch of peach jello without wanting to curl up and drink a baby bottle.  It just smells like my childhood.  Such fantastic memories of warmth and love.

The house was smelling so fantastic that we were all salivating all morning.  It was delicious!  At one point, this cute little fluffy dog appeared at our back door.  Julia was more than happy to go pick it up.  It was a little scared, but after some cuddles from Jules, the dog seemed to calm down.  We called the number on her tag and found that the dog was from just up the street.  As I watched Julia start to walk the dog home, I saw her snuggle it close to her face.  Julia loves dogs, and she hoped that it would escape and come down to our house again some time.   

I actually would love to get my kids a dog.  Some of the kids wouldn’t like it at all, but others would be in heaven.  The problem is, I’m just not a dog lover and neither is Greg.  So who would end up taking care of it?  Me.  I’m not sure I can commit to that.  I’m so sorry, kids!!                                    

When it was finally time to go, I held the platter of marinated grilled turkey on my lap.  Kyle had fixed it up and brought it to us to grill.  It turned out to be really yummy, but on a turn in the car, a bunch of the juice spilled all over my pants.  And it was hot.  I screamed and created a scene.  :) But we finally made it to the Eardleys’ house in one piece.  

From front going clockwise: Miles, Emma, Eliese, Julia, Marlee, Sam, and Lizzie

Austin, Owen, and Avree

Behind me, going clockwise: Dan, Mom, Sunee, Kyle, Greg, Katie

We enjoyed such a full and bounteous meal with Katie and Dan and their kids, Sunee and Kyle and their kids, my little family, and Mom.  The food was delicious (I needed three plates!), the conversation was so interesting, and the company was fantastic.  I have been blessed with such a loving and wonderful family.  

My darling little Lancer

Lance :)

So cute!

Mommy

Austin... He's so handsome!

Looking good, my man Miles!

Emma...so beautiful!

Julia, so pretty!

Owen, my little lover boy!

The only slightly sad part was that the seat next to Mom was empty.  For many, many years Dad’s presence has graced our table.  I’m happy to say that Mom carried on with a happy and cheerful attitude.  We remember Dad and will love him always.  So in that way, his presence was still felt.  He is still an enormous part of this huge family.  I’m blessed to have him for my dad.

We had eaten early, so by the time we headed home, it was still light out.  We stopped at home to grab Greg’s camera and then headed to Seegmiller farm for a family photo shoot.  The light was right, and the setting was great, but we hadn’t planned or coordinated outfits, or even stressed about anybody’s hair.  In fact, I wiped the chocolate off of the boys’ faces just before we posed and said, “Cheese!”  

And they turned out to be so beautiful.  The biggest thing I notice when I look at our pictures is that there are a lot of us, and the kids are getting so grown up.  My heart is so full.  I love my family.  There is nowhere I’d rather be than with these cuties.  

Thanksgiving 2017

November 22, 2017

I took Julia and some friends to the temple this morning for baptisms.  While I waited, I walked around the temple with Mom and Sunee.  We walked and walked and talked and talked for over an hour.  It was a fantastic way to spend the morning.  When the kids were done, I took them to Einstein Bagels.  They had a great time.

Back at home, we rushed to get ready to go to the show.  Mom came with us and we went and saw, "Wonder."  I have read the book and absolutely adore it.  Emma, Julia, and Miles have all read it, too. Austin's teacher has been reading it to his class.  I think every single person in the world should read that book.  It is such a beautiful story about being kind.

I could hardly contain my emotions throughout the movie.  Every bit of it made me emotional.  Greg says I've been really emotional for about three months now.  I think I've been this way since my Dad died, which was just a little over two months ago.  But Greg thinks it's a hormonal change.  I told him that all of the anger and frustration I used to feel with my monthly cycles has been replaced by my tender tears.  So he might be right.  But I guess I would welcome tears, sorrow, and a tender heart over anger any day.  I've definitely noticed a change.  I cry so easily now.  I cry when I talk to people.  I cry when I'm cleaning.  I cry at the temple.  I cry in the movies.  I cry when I remember my dad.  I cry when I'm having a presidency meeting.  I just cry.

When I came back home, I worked a little on the letter we are sending out to fundraise for Jaron.  He has had a really difficult time lately.  He has suffered so much from blood clots and headaches and pain.  Greg and I have really tried to help out financially.  Our hearts are just so broken for the suffering that they are enduring.  Mom and I worked together to get the letter all ready.

The kids spent the whole afternoon in the backyard, playing their little hearts out.  They were in the zone.  They had some big game going and it was running and playing for hours.  I love it when they play so happily like that.

As the day started to wind down, we all got excited because it was time to bake!!

So messy...so happy!

The whole kitchen was mess, but I had so much fun baking up a storm with the Christmas music playing.  Owen helped me with the Chocolate/Oreo pie.  Julia made her very own delicious-looking apple pie.  I made two pans of my raspberry pretzel jello and two pumpkin pies.  Emma worked on a big bowl of my mom’s famous peach and cream jello.  The kids rented the new Despicable Me 3 movie and watched it by the light of the Christmas tree.  It was dark outside, but warm in our home.  

Owen had a little too much fun baking his pie!

Julia and her yummy apple pie.  Both are beauties!

As a mother, my heart is so happy and full.  I have so many blessings.  I loved the slow and easy pace of the night.  I loved the clear schedule and the full ovens.  I loved the licking of spoons, and the sound of the mixer, and smell of the pies.  Greg was working away in his wood shop.  We had the fire going in the fireplace.  The boys were laughing at the movie.  I could have stayed at my counter whipping up yummy dishes for many more hours.  

Oh, how I love being the mother in this story.  It’s not easy.  But it’s a blessing beyond my wildest imagination!  Happy Thanksgiving to my beautiful family.  

November 21, 2017

I had my second weekly presidency meeting this morning.  I was determined not to go three hours again.  I was hoping for one.  The meeting lasted two.  :)

It was especially fun because we connected via video chat with Rachel who is in North Carolina for Thanksgiving.  As I looked around at the rest of my presidency, I wondered why I chose such beautiful women!!  I am definitely the plain one!! But I love these women.  They are even more beautiful inside!  They are such a good support and help to me.  I will learn a lot if I just listen to them.

I was so excited today because my mom came down to St. George and she said she would come over after my meeting.  Lance and I were outside visiting with my neighbors when she pulled up.  Lance screamed, "Grandma!" and he ran to her arms.  I wanted to scream, "Mom!" and run to her arms, too. We had a quick business meeting, talking about the Hawaii timeshares that I am helping Mom with since Dad is gone.  We hardly got to talk about much else, but it was so good to be with her and see her.  We are excited to spend Thanksgiving together.

She left just as I hurried to Owen's class to help with their Kindergarten Thanksgiving Feast.  It was so cute and fun to see Owen.  When I finally brought all the kids home from school, we were so happy to have a break from school!!  It felt so fun and exciting.  The night before, Emma and I spent an hour working on one math problem.  We finally went over to Sunee's house to get some help.  We were on the right track, but she set us straight.  I know awhile ago, I decided that I couldn't help Emma much longer with her math, but I'm proud to say that I've gotten my groove back and I am once again a good helper.  Emma felt good about her test today, so now we can just kick up our heels and have a great break.

Julia screamed and we all ran outside to see the most gorgeous sunset.  I've decided that it must have something to do with November.  We've been blessed with breathtaking skies lately.  I snapped a few pictures and stood with my arms around my kids.  It warms my heart to see such grandeur.  I am so very grateful for the beauty of the earth.

God is so good.  💖

November 20, 2017

Monday, Monday.  

I worked hard today.  

I did my Monday cleaning.  

I washed and folded lots of laundry, and I listened to a bunch of chapters from Jesus The Christ.  

I also went to the grocery store.  Another week, another two carts of groceries.  Three weeks ago, I thought it was a fluke.  Last week, I was a bit surprised.  This week, I resigned myself to the fact that someone is eating a whole lotta groceries at my house!!  

I was late picking up Miles from school, so he just jumped in with a friend.  He was waiting for me at the house so he could help me unload the groceries when I got home.  Miles’s school gets out at 2:00, so he is always the first one home.  Lance loves it!  He waits for Miles to walk through the door so they can play.  Miles is an amazing big brother.  He will take Lance to the backyard and jump with him or push him in the swing.  He will play any video game Lance wants him to play.  He is a huge help to me.  So actually I wait for Miles to come home, too.  :)

I made chicken and rice tonight for dinner.  It’s Owen’s favorite thing ever.  He asks for it all of the time.  So at least I had one super happy customer at the dinner table.  We’ve started to call it, “Owen’s chicken and rice.”  

I’ve been thinking about all of those freezer dinners I made with my friends.  We’ve yet to eat one that we really liked a whole lot.  They’ve all been so-so.  Yet, a lot of my friends are reporting that their families are loving it.  I was washing dishes one night while thinking about this and feeling a bit discouraged.  I wondered if I wasn’t cooking them right?!?!  Or why we weren’t loving them?

I thought about how a lot of the things were even things I would normally make, just a slightly different recipe.  All of a sudden, I had a really happy thought.  Maybe I’ve actually turned into a pretty good little cook.  Maybe my home cooking has gotten good enough that these dishes don’t stand up against my own cooking!  I smiled at this thought while I washed and scrubbed.  And then I shared it with my family.  They all jumped right on board, saying, “Yeah, Mom!  We love your soups better!” or “Yeah, we love your tacos better!”  

I have no idea if any of that is true.  But I decided that maybe I should just stick to my own cooking for a while.  :)

When I was first married, I hardly knew how to make anything.  I could make a stovetop stuffing/chicken casserole, shepherd’s pie, and taco salad.  That’s it.  And we rotated those back and forth until we were really sick of them.  We also had a healthy dose of cheese quesadillas and chili, french toast, and cereal.  But the hardest part was that we drove past Sizzler every day on our way home from school and work.  We LOVED Sizzler.  So, occasionally, we’d stop.  We always were tempted to spend our evening with the all-you-can-eat shrimp at Sizzler!

I was also horrible at doing the dishes.  We didn’t have a dishwasher, and I’m a messy cook.  It was a bad combo.  Greg and I Ioved to take our dinner into the living room and watch a rerun of Seinfield while we ate.  By the time we finished our shepherd’s pie and an episode with Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer, we were tired.  But we usually still had lots of homework to do.  The dishes would get piled into the sink in the hopes that some magical fairy would come and clean them for us.  

There never was a magical fairy.  And I hated that sink.

Sometimes I think of those days as I load my dishwasher after every meal.  Or as I cook all sorts of things for our family of eight.  I also remember the way our laundry would overflow out of the hamper so much that it would spill out of the bathroom and into the hallway.  Why couldn’t I have just started a load every now and again?  

I’m so thankful that our life starts small and grows from there.  I’m so glad that I first had to learn to take care of a two-bedroom apartment and one husband.  I’m so glad that I’ve been able to learn as I go.  I think that if on the day I got married, someone handed me six children and a huge house, I would have died long ago from a heart attack. 

One of the things that frustrated me most about those days was the knowledge that my own mother could do it all.  She seemed to be able to cook and clean and work up a storm every day.  She could take care of everyone and everything and still manage to exercise, shower, and read her scriptures.  She would always tell me that I would learn.  It was okay.  And then she would help me and show me and teach me something new. 

I love her wisdom and knowledge.  I try to remember that even as I look at my own children.  I think we always want them to operate at our own level.  But everyone has to start small and grow from there.  The key is to keep loving and keep teaching and keep helping.  

I can’t tell you the number of times my mom has swooped in to help me and save me when I was in over my head.  But look at what she has done for me.  Here I am.  Managing a large family, a huge house, and a busy life.  I’m definitely not always perfect, but perhaps I’ve risen slightly higher than any old freezer dinner.  

And now I’m my own magical fairy.  Thanks, Mom, for all you’ve taught me.  I’ll never catch up to you, but I’m on my way.  

November 19, 2017

Greg and I woke up bright and early for a seven a.m. meeting at the Stake Center.  It was cold outside  as we walked arm and arm into the building.  We had a great training meeting put on by our Stake Presidency all about the new Relief Society and Priesthood Curriculum for the new year.  It was great, and I felt motivated and inspired with lots of ideas.

Once at home, the kids were just waking up.  I made them a hot breakfast, and Greg got them all excited about putting up our Christmas decorations.  I wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving, but apparently my vote didn't count for much.  I had to leave for ward council, so they were left to their own devices anyway!  Ha!

I love my cute boys!

I enjoyed ward council so much.  It was spiritual and emotional and funny and informative.  We live in such a fantastic ward!  By the time I came out, Julia was waiting in the hall for Bishop's Youth Council.  She surprised me sitting there!

Greg and the kids had been busy at home!  They had Christmas music playing and the whole tree up and ready to go.  I helped them a little bit and then cleaned up and got all the kids ready for church.

We had a fantastic time at church.  But I felt a bit frazzled when Relief Society started.  I just didn't feel very confident.  I didn't know how I should act, or who I should say hi to.  I suddenly felt overwhelmed with doubts about myself.  After church I realized that the adversary would want nothing more than to cripple me with self doubts.  He would welcome my insecurities and hope I developed even more of them.  I took a deep breath and decided to just keep trying and not think too much about how much I lack.

We had a really yummy chicken and sweet potato stew (thanks to my freezer dinner stockpile).  We also ate thick, buttered slices of the homemade banana bread I whipped up this morning.  I am such a sucker for banana bread.  Yum!  It felt good to eat and visit with my family.  It was already dark and glow of the Christmas tree added such a warmth to the room.  I wanted to kick off my church shoes and pull on my pajamas and sit by the fire, but I had one more meeting to attend.

It was a stake meeting with all of the Relief Society Presidents and Elder's Quorum Presidents.  We met with the High Councilors over the young single adults in our stake, as well as the YSA representatives from the YSA stake at the university.  Our stake president has decided to turn over the YSA responsibilities to the RS presidents and EQ presidents.  This is a new thing in our stake.  As we talked and pondered about how to best find and reach out to all of the lost young single adults in our area, I couldn't help but think of mom and dad on their mission to Missouri.  They spent days and days searching out many young single adults.  They had a list of 500 people they were supposed to find.  I'm so proud of and inspired by my parents.  They finished the entire list by Christmas, only a few months after they first got their assignment.  And they brought back into activity quite a few of those precious souls, including a baptism, a wedding, and a trip to the temple.  They followed the Savior's example by going out after the lost sheep, leaving the ninety and nine to find the one.

I walked out into the dark night feeling the weight of this new assignment.  All I could think about was how they told us that when Elder Ballard came to our area, the local leaders asked him, "What keeps you up at night?"  After thinking about that for a bit, he responded, "The young single adults.  It keeps us all up at night.  We just don't want to lose them."  And I kept thinking about the high councilman saying, "This is a list.  But these are real people.  Real individuals with individual needs."  I loved that thought.

Finally I could fall into bed, after a really long day.  I've been loving my time listening to "Jesus The Christ" as I work around the house.  It has filled me with the spirit so much.  When the Savior healed a man on the Sabbath Day, the pharisees were all upset about it.  They thought he was "working" on this holy day.  The Savior, through a bunch of fantastic questions, shows them the flaws in their thinking, and that there was nothing wrong with what He had done.  He said, "Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days."

That thought has stayed with me.  It is lawful to do well on the Sabbath day, and that might look really busy and hard.  But this is the Lord's day.  And we should be doing the Lord's work.  I'm so grateful for the opportunity to serve.

Bless Greg's heart, he had the kids in bed, and the house put to order.  We are in this mess together!! I'm so grateful for my family.  I'm so grateful that they all love and support me.  I hope I can stand confident and do many good things...

November 18, 2017

Today is kind of a big day in our life!!  We packed up the beloved crib (a task which was way overdue) and gave Lance a big-boy bed.  It took all morning, two trips to the mattress store, and a bunch of excited kiddos to accomplish the transfer.  It was fun having all eight of us squeezed into Lance's room trying to shift around headboards and mattresses, while I tried vacuuming every corner, and the kids tried using all of the tools.  The thrill-level was through the roof!

Lance's new set up!

I tried not to feel too sad.  If there is anything I LOVE in this life, it has been my babies!  I mean, holding a baby in my arms is the greatest joy I've ever known.  After I had Owen, my fifth baby, I could hardly relax one minute before blurting out that I knew I needed to have another baby.  I was so discouraged because pregnancy is so hard for me.  I thought that I would be happier if I never had to go through that again.  But I couldn't quiet the voice in my head telling me to have just one more precious baby.  I would have welcomed a hundred babies, but I felt I couldn't handle even one more week of being pregnant.  Somehow I found the courage to have another baby, and it has been one of the greatest blessings in my life.  When I had Lance, I felt really complete.  I felt excited to start raising all these children as a healthy mother (after spending so much of my motherhood feeling sick and pregnant!).  Every stage has almost been welcomed with excitement.  I have so many big kids, and so many things to accomplish, that I have found myself feeling ready for this next stage.  So, no more binkies or bottles or babies or cribs.  Just a house full of big boys!

In the night I heard Lance crying in his sleep.  I went into his room to help him.  He started mumbling something about a "big boy" as he cried.  I quietly asked, "Lance, are you in your big-boy bed?" But he just cried harder, saying, "It's too hard!  It's too hard!"  It was so cute and sweet.  I kissed his soft head, and rubbed his little back.  Yes, Lance, it is very hard to grow up.  We all understand.

For the first time in his life, I crawled into his bed.  We snuggled up and fell back asleep.  Eventually I made my way back to my own bed.  I awoke next to the sound of little feet pitter-pattering rapidly out toward the kitchen.  I jumped out of bed and ran out to the hall.

"Lance!" I loudly whispered in the dark, running after him, just as he made it to the kitchen table.  He stopped and turned, startled.  I picked him up and started carrying him back to bed.  He was quite upset and confused.  It always surprises me when my little ones first find out that they have the freedom to roam in the night!  This time, we went to "mommy's big bed" and laid down together.  It's okay to be a baby for one more night.

It might take a while, but we will figure this big-boy bed out somehow!  As a mother, I feel such an interesting mix of emotions.  I feel sad to see my babies grow up, and I long for more time with their sweet little souls.  I'm surprised at how quickly time passes, and how rapidly they change.  But I'm also anxious and excited to see them learn and grow.  I spend hours teaching them and helping them so that they can grow up properly.  I love watching them get bigger.  I love watching them learn and develop.  Mostly, I just love everything about my sweet little ones.

Except for the fact that they will one day leave me.  So as time passes, I'm both happy and sad.

I remember how this made my dad's heart ache.  On more than one occasion, I heard him long for the days with his little kids.  He said he felt robbed, like someone came in and stole his precious children right out from under him.  He loved being a dad.  He loved playing with us and teaching us and taking us places.  He was such a fun dad, so full of life and love.  And it was rough for him to see us grow up and move on.  (Thank goodness we never really move on.)

But then the grandkids started arriving.  And all of those little kids came running back into our family.  Dad was so happy.  He loved being a grandpa.

As I pushed the frame from Lance's crib under his new bed and tucked away the set of crib sheets, I knew it would be okay.  We have so many adventures as a family to look forward to.  And someday I'll be pulling that crib back out, dusting it off, and setting it up for the grandkids.  That's a far way off.  But we all know...time flies.

So goodbye to my sweet baby days.  Oh, how I've loved you so!!  💖  

We had to end the day at The Habit, eating hamburgers out on the grill.  For now, these kids are mine.  And I intend to enjoy every moment I can.  I worked super hard to bring these kids into our life!  I'm so thankful.  Every. Single. Day.

Mommy and Lance

Emma and Julia

Miles and Austin

Owen!

Julia, Miles, and Austin

November 17, 2017

I've been really thinking and praying about the visiting teaching assignments in our ward.  It has occupied my mind and weighed heavily on me.  I care so much about each of these sisters.  I want everyone to feel loved and cared for.  I was given a huge magnetic board with all of the visiting teaching assignments displayed in little magnetic labels.  It is huge and heavy, but it is neat to see it visually all at once.  I had a very informative meeting with the visiting teaching coordinator this morning.  She had lots of insight and information for me.  After she left, I stared at that board and tried to work out different scenarios.  It is like dominoes, though.  Each change necessitates another change.  It's like a big math problem!! I have been praying for divine help in knowing who needs who.  It's all coming together.  Slowly.

It was Mix-Up day at school, so we sent Austin like this.  He was so proud!
He hasn't wanted to take the glasses off since!

This is my new life.  Relief Society is a lot, but look at my cute little Lancer playing Legos while I work.  I love it.

Greg and I went to the temple for date night.  It was cold and dark outside, but warm and cozy in the temple.  We had eaten sticky finger tacos at Winger's before coming to the temple, and I'm sure we totally smelled of onion and garlic.  I had a pocketful of mints for us, but I doubt that helped!  The taste lingered in my mouth all night!

But that didn't stop me from enjoying the temple so much.  Tears were glistening my eyes for most of the session.  I just felt the spirit so much, and my emotions are so near.  I guess I had to cry my way through the beautiful presentation.  I loved being there with Greg.  He is so dear to me.  We grabbed a quick ice cream cone as we visited on the way home.

We came home to find that Julia had gotten all the little boys to bed.  Emma was out enjoying her new freedom.  She had driven herself to the movies to meet her friends.  But she came in the door shortly after we did.  I hugged her and kissed her goodnight and sent the girls upstairs.  Then Greg and I climbed into our big bed together and spent the evening in each other's arms.  So in love.

When Greg and I were engaged, my family gave me a bridal shower.  It was out in the yard in the early days of summer, and all of my aunts and cousins and neighbors came to "shower" me with love and gifts.  I actually didn't enjoy being the center of so much attention.  But I was so grateful for the kindness and generosity of everyone.  At one point during the party, we invited Greg to come out and sit by me.  He was up visiting for the weekend from BYU.  He especially didn't enjoy being the center of attention among all of these women he didn't know.

I don't know if we were playing a game or what, but people started asking us questions.  I can only remember one question, and the answers Greg and I gave.  I suppose I'll never forget it!  Someone asked us what were our favorites things about each other.  I'm sure we blushed and giggled and my face was red from all the attention as we tried to come up with a good answer.

To be completely fair, we really didn't know each other that well.  Greg and I had only dated for a few months.  We were in love, but as the years have passed and that love has deepened and matured, I am amazed that we were brave enough to marry each other with only a small inkling of what was to come.  I am still learning more about Greg each day.  And now that I really know who he is, I can look back and see that we hardly knew each other that summer day sitting together on a bench in my mother's flower garden.  I'll be forever grateful that we knew enough.  And that we were led to one another.

I finally answered that I loved the way his eyes lit up when he smiled.  We looked at each other and smiled when I said it.  My heart went all aflutter.  Then it was Greg's turn.  He squirmed a bit and then said, "My favorite thing about Rindi is her good looks."  I think we all laughed a little!  I don't think that was the ONLY thing he liked about me, but at least he was honest!  I remember one of my aunts rolled her eyes at that.  And she sarcastically said, "Yeah, well what happens when that goes out the window!?!"

I've thought so much about this whole exchange.  Why did Greg say that?  Was that really a shallow response?  Didn't he like my smarts or my athleticism or my personality?  Didn't he like the way I treated him or the way I laughed at his jokes?  Wasn't I sweet and kind? And what WOULD happen when my good looks went out the window?

Well, nearly twenty years have passed since that summer day when I sat next to a handsome boy I was about to marry and heard him say to a whole crowd of people that he loved my good looks.  Growing up, I never felt that confident about my looks.  I always felt that my other qualities were better, and that if a boy could just get to know me, he would start to like me.  And here was Greg, proclaiming that he thought I was beautiful.  And that it was his favorite thing about me.

Through all these years, with all of our ups and downs, whether I've been sick and pregnant and emotional, whether I've been tired and cranky and overwhelmed, or whether I've been happy and busy and distracted, one thing has remained constant in our marriage.  Greg still likes my "good looks."  He's never stopped trying to grab me and pull me close.  He's never stopped coming home each night to see me.  He's never stopped trying to love me.

Hopefully my looks haven't flown out the window as quickly as my aunt so dismissively anticipated.  But if they have or if they do, it's going to be okay.  Because now our love has deepened.  And it isn't based on some fleeting physical attraction.  That may be what got it started.  But now it is so much more.  And I am so grateful that our attraction is stronger than ever.  There isn't a face in the world that looks as good to me as my husband's.  That's what true love is.  I'm so grateful that I'm still so beautiful in my husband's eyes.  He may be the only person that sees me that way.  But it's the best gift ever.

Greg and Rindi, honeymoon 1999

All of the other things Greg could have said about me are actually more fleeting than my physical appearance.  Sometimes I'm not that smart.  Sometimes I act pretty dumb.  Sometimes I'm not athletic at all.  I'm just soft and out of shape.  Sometimes I don't treat him well.  Or laugh at his jokes.  And there are a lot of days when my personality leaves much to be desired.  Sometimes I'm not exactly sweet and kind.  But every day, when Greg looks at me, I can see that he still likes the way I look.  I must have been meant for him.  I'll take it.