March 7, 2017

If the last time you read "To Kill A Mockingbird" was in junior high, my heavens, go read it again.  Right now.  I finished it late last night.  It is such a fantastic book.  Harper Lee, the author, said she thought she was writing a simple love story.  Instead, it turned out to be a best-seller, classic-for-the-ages, powerful book!  It has been translated into multiple languages and printed and sold millions of time.  But I thought back to her "love story" description and that's exactly how it felt.  It was so sweetly infused with love--love for each other, love for a family, love for the human race.  The themes of "you can learn a lot by walking in someone else's shoes," and also "folks are usually nice, once you get to know them," are powerful.  I loved it.  I wanted to go back to the first page and start right over again.

Austin had a hard time last night at bedtime.  He doesn't usually have a hard time at bedtime.  He was so frustrated, punching his pillow, and crying.  He didn't want me to read the story that Owen had chosen, and he refused to choose one himself, but other than that, we couldn't figure out why he was so mad.  Even he didn't know.  I finally turned out the lights, and tried to sing them a little song.  Which just made Austin mad.  So I stopped.  I whispered into Owen's ear, "You need to be a really big boy tonight and go straight to sleep.  Austin is having a really hard time."  To Owen's everlasting credit, he nodded, we kissed, and he rolled onto his side to go to sleep.  Then I tried to help Austin, but he just angrily shoved his head under his pillow.  I decided he must be beyond tired.  I told him I would go take care of Lance and then be back.  I was trying my old trick, the one where I leave and when I finally come back, the boys are sound asleep.  But he was huffing and puffing as I walked out of the room.

Everything stayed quiet upstairs while I puttered around my room getting ready for bed.  I knew Austin must have been so tired.  I was relieved to think he had fallen asleep.

After about twenty minutes, Greg and I looked up to see Austin standing in our room.  His eyes were red rimmed and he looked angry.  He was wondering why I didn't come back.  Greg tried to order him back to bed, but I just put my arm around him and walked him back up.  He stomped and grumped his way along.  When I tucked him back in, I said, "Austin, you are so special to me.  I love you so much, but you aren't acting like you like me very much."  He grabbed onto my arm and said, gruffly, "I always like you, Mom."  He settled it by hugging tightly to my arm, burying his face into the crook of my elbow.  I hugged him back, "I always like you too, Austin." He told me he didn't want me to leave. But I could tell he was still angry.  I gently started stroking his hair.  I talked softly to him about being kind even if he was tired or not feeling well.  (This was such unusual behavior for Austin that in my mind I was wondering if he was getting sick too.)  As I rubbed along his back, his eyes drifted closed.  I started singing my favorite primary song to him.  Owen was fast asleep, so I sang quietly.

Whenever I hear the song of a bird, or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose, or walk by our lilac tree, 
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world, Heavenly Father created for me.

As I sang the words and smoothed his hair, my eyes settled on his dresser.  I started noticing all of the items that told the story of this little boy.  I saw his sports trophies on the dresser and his medals hanging on the wall.  He is so proud of those.  I saw the Magic Treehouse book he is reading sitting close to the lamp, and then I looked up at the whole set of Magic Treehouse books on his shelf.  He had wanted those books so badly, and now he was diligently working his way through the set.  I saw his bag of Valentines with the cute monster on the front.  He had designed and cut out that monster and named him "Jake" for a writing project at school.  I saw the package of candy bars his Aunt Sunee gave him for his baptism, and the baptism frame from the Primary leaders.  He was so happy that day.  I saw his Erector set from Christmas, the one he has spent hours playing with.  I noticed the wooden board game on the shelf, the one Greg helped him cut and paint and lacquer for Owen's Christmas present.  He had been so excited to give that to Owen.  I saw the Bey Blades his friends had given him for his birthday. He loves those.  I looked at the pillow with his name sewn on it from his grandma and his cougar pillow pet that sits on a special place on his bed.  He carefully arranges those when he makes his bed in the morning.  I suddenly couldn't imagine my life without this little boy in it.

Austin and Mommy

I continued to gently rub his back and sing.

He gave me my eyes that I might see the color of butterfly wings.
He gave my ears that I might hear the magical sounds of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart: I thank him reverently,
For all his creations of which I'm apart.  Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I sang it again, this time with tears in my eyes and a heart full of emotion.

Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I tried to carefully stand up from the bed, but with eyes closed, Austin held tighter to my arm.  So I sat there quietly, staring at his beautiful face until his breathing deepened and I knew he was asleep. All the while, I was thanking my Heavenly Father above for loving me.  And for loving Austin.

Sometimes we just feel frustrated and angry.  Sometimes it is for no reason at all.  But one thing I know with every ounce of my soul, Heavenly Father loves us.  I am so grateful for the chance I had last night to sit quietly in the dark, singly softly to one of Heavenly Father's sons, trying to help him come to know and understand this one truth.  And at the same time have it confirmed so powerfully to my own mother heart: Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.