January 3, 2017

Sleep is such an elusive thing sometimes.  When I was younger, I didn't really like to sleep.  When my parents left us all with a babysitter, I'd be the one to sneak back out of bed and sit up with her until Mom and Dad got home.  I just never needed as much sleep.  Now, however, I daydream about getting a babysitter just so that I can sleep.

Last night, I decided I just had to get to the end of The Underground Railroad.  I won't spoil the ending because I really recommend the book, but I turned out the lights much later than I should have.  Kids were waking up all night so that by six in the morning, I had hardly slept.  And when I had slept, I was dreaming that I was feverishly participating in The Relative Race.  It was an exhausting night.  Lance had fallen asleep really early and was wide awake in the early morning darkness.  After being up for hours, Lance and I finally crawled back into bed at six.  Austin and Owen stayed out on the couch watching Kung Fu Panda.

This is one area of motherhood in which I just don't feel all that successful.  Maybe it is because I can tolerate a little less sleep that I have let my children inch their way into my nights and my bed.  Greg and I are both too soft-hearted when it comes to letting them cry it out anymore.  We've had to do that too many times.  Also, I really DO love snuggling my babies in bed with me.  It is so comforting to me to sleep with my arm around a warm little body.  But then, sometimes they end up kicking me all night, or crying, or waking up over and over.  Then it's not so comforting.  But it's hard to find the gumption to lay down the law in the middle of a bad night.

I sat on the couch at five o'clock this morning, lamenting the fact that I'm a lousy mother sometimes.  You aren't supposed to sit up in the night with two year olds!!  Or are you?  Who makes the motherhood laws that I try to follow?  I don't know, but now I'm just tired.

My back is so out of sorts!  I started to have mid-back muscle spasms this afternoon.  I need to go running.  To feel awake and alive.  It's definitely a winter day out there--gray sky and leafless trees dotting the landscape.  To cheer us up, we made Panzanella sandwiches for lunch and are gearing up for another episode of The Relative Race.  I'm going to use my new back massager during the show to try to make sense of my poor back.  And then a pre-dinner run!  I hope.  It's still Christmas Break.

And it's a happy day!