January 27, 2017

Elder Holland gave this encouraging thought for mothers: “You are doing better than you think you are.”

I’ve always loved that.

Well, this week I’ve decided that I’m actually doing worse than I think I am.  I woke up today and it just hit me how behind I am.  I’ve missed two days of journal writing.  I haven't gone running all week.  The pain in my back has gone absolutely bananas.  I found out Austin has been in trouble at school for talking too much and being too rambunctious.  I haven’t been able to get on top of the house cleaning.  I’m so out of groceries that the whole family is complaining.  Lance is so hard to get to sleep at night.  Greg has been sick. And I’m generally overwhelmed.  

I’m supposed to teach in the combined Young Men/Young Women lesson on Sunday.  We have a huge, busy Saturday tomorrow filled with lots of basketball games, and even one in Cedar City.  And here I sit in the second grade classroom, trying to make sure Austin is behaving himself.  Which he is, by the way.  

I visited his classroom yesterday and had a long talk with his teacher.  It hurt my mother heart to see his little desk bumped up right next to the teacher’s desk.  In the back of the room.  Facing away from the other kids.  In the end, as we talked, I realized that Austin is a seven-year-old boy.  And sometimes being in a classroom is hard for a seven-year-old boy.  His teacher keeps telling me how popular he is, and how much everyone likes him.  He’s so tall and so funny, and it’s hard to not get the class all riled up.  Especially when everyone wants to talk to you.  

When I first told Austin I would be spending the day at school with him, he was really embarrassed and he begged me not to come.  Somehow, I talked it up as a really fun idea and I finally convinced him to let me come.  Mostly I told him how we would work together to show his teacher how amazing he could be.  And we've done just that.  So, now that I've been here most of the day, I tried to tell him that I was going to head home to check on Lance who is home with Grandma.  Austin got tears in his eyes and covered his face with his hands.  He didn't want me to leave.  

I wanted to scoop up my little boy into my arms and hug him tight.  I wanted to take him home and homeschool him.  I wanted to stay in the second grade every day with him.  I didn't want to leave him behind.  I didn't want to see him sitting in the outer darkness of the second grade.  But life doesn't work that way.  So, I stayed until lunch, hugged him tight, helped him wipe a few tears, and then walked down the hall...alone.  

When I got home, feeling very overwhelmed, Mom was there to welcome me.  And even though she sounded like she had strep throat (which we later found out that she did indeed have strep!), she had done a bunch of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, straightened the whole house, and played with Lance.  I was so, so, so grateful.  I guess moms never stop worrying about their children.  

I decided that it's really difficult for me to let go of my children. (Surprise, surprise.) When I send them out the door, I lose control for awhile.  Most of the time I envision that things are going really well.  And sometimes they aren't!  That's why I said I'm doing worse than I think I am. And I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately overall. But when I told Greg that I was going to write about this topic, he told me in the most loving way, "You ARE doing better than you think you are."  

And then Greg took us all out for hamburgers and milkshakes after basketball practice so I wouldn't have to worry about dinner.  I'm so thankful for the amazing, supportive people I have in my life.  I couldn't do it without all the their love. With them, I can almost believe that I'm doing okay.  We are all going to be okay.  

At some point, I have to trust in God that my children will be okay.  That all the things I am doing will be enough.  That all the love I can give them will be enough.  That I'm doing better than I think I am.