My Thoughts on an Airplane - 12/20/19

Oh, how I have loved babies. I’ve got six growing ones of my own. I adored every second of them when they were little. I loved their smells and smiles and sounds. I loved the way they looked at me and patted my face. I loved to lower my nose onto the top of their fuzzy little heads and breathe deeply. I especially loved them when they were tiny, little bundles, rustling around for their mama. I would snatch them up and feel the way they just felt heavy and solid in my arms. Yet they were so tiny and helpless. I loved to swaddle them up and place them on my chest. I could sleep like that forever. Bathing their sweet little bodies, or wiping milk off their puckered little lips and catching a whiff or their sweet-smelling breath... oh, how I lived for those moments. 

But lately, I’ve had moments where an unforeseen stress just washes over me, and I’m left to wonder how I survived so many years caring for babies. Like the changing table in the cramped airplane lavatory. I stared at it for a second today before turning and slowly washing my hands. And I thought of all the times I had wrestled a baby in a setting just like this. I was usually sweaty and stressed. And praying for time to speed up so we could get back on the ground. The anxiety I would feel with each passing moment, feeling like I couldn’t relax for one second as I geared up for the chance that my baby (or babies) would start to fuss, then cry, then scream. I’ve had flights where I’ve been covered in baby vomit, baby poop, or mother’s milk. I’ve pumped in my seat, nursed next to complete strangers, even men, changed diapers on my lap—all while hoping nobody would notice. I’ve held perfectly still for hours while some little one slept on me, grimacing as my legs started to tingle, then my arms, then my back started cramping. Then I’ve shifted rapidly as little arms and legs started flailing around, trying to get comfortable, while I’m praying in rapid-fire fashion for my baby to go back to sleep. Which usually makes me sweat some more. I’ve endured flights where the crying was tortuous, and the soothing was futile. But still I tried to soothe. Hour after hour. 

I have struggled on this particular trip to feel comfortable in my own seat. The plane feels cramped and my back has been spasming this week. Are the seats smaller? The leg room reduced? How did I ever, ever hold a baby in a seat like this? How did I ever hold a toddler? I used to look over at other travelers who were watching a movie, napping, reading, snacking—maybe even had their shoes kicked off in relaxed comfort— and I would burn with envy. I would fantasize about flying somewhere, anywhere, nowhere...just all alone in my seat. I dreamed I would have a little bag, nicely, neatly packed with a good book, a nice bottle of water, maybe some earphones. Maybe at some point I could carefully apply chapstick, and calmly get a stick of gum from my little bag.  Instead of the large diaper bag that was currently taking up all the space on the floor, and the baby blanket and the bottles of juice, and the books and puppets and toys and snacks...

And now, years later, I’m sitting here alone. I have my little bag. I have a bottle of water. I have a good book to read. And here I am: pondering babies. I’m old enough that my back aches when I sit too long. So, I got up to stretch. And I slid into the lavatory. And I saw the diaper changing table. And it all came flooding back. The stress, the worry, the sweatiness.

I’ll never know how I did it. How anyone does it. But I do know something else. My heart is longing to get home to see those babies. They are big now—ranging from five to eighteen. And I just want to hug them.  Nothing could keep me away from them for too long. 

I once had a nightmare that I had flown clear across the country without my baby. And I realized I had left my baby home alone. I was frantic to get back. I was practically clawing my way back onto the plane and desperately praying for the time to pass so that I could return home. I was crying anguished tears, and I was in a total panic. I woke up gasping. I was so thankful to realize that I was at home in my own bed. As were all of my kiddos. We were safe. And together. 

So I guess that answers my own question. How did I do it? Well, I just couldn’t NOT do it. I was hard-wired to care for those babies. And if that meant smiling an apology to the man in the seat next to me because my baby’s little feet kept kicking out from under the blanket while I nursed her, or sweating in the lavatory while I tried to change a diaper and then hold a wriggling baby in my lap while I used the bathroom myself, well, then, I just found a way. And I’m glad that I didn’t fully acknowledge the stress at the time. Like, now that it’s all over, I can feel it, and I realize how bottled up and stressed out those things made me. But at the time, I just smiled at the little face gazing lovingly at mine. And I thought, “Wow! Motherhood is hard. And sweaty.” And then I wrote in my journal about how very blessed I am. And I prayed every night, thanking my Father in Heaven for these babies.  And I constantly thought about how lucky I am to be the one thing I always wanted to be: a mother. 

Day 5 and 6 —Oahu 2019

We woke up slowly this morning. and then took a nice long walk to the shops behind the resorts. We cut through the Disney Aulani hotel, which was amazing, of course. We caught a glimpse of Mickey, so we snapped a picture and sent it home for Lance to see. We ate at Eggs N Stuff and had a good little meal. We walked back along the beach. It was a breathtaking morning. We hurried to get our suits on and get back down to the beach. We swam and played and planned to come back with the kids in March. My dad used to always plan his next Hawai’i trip while in Hawai’i. I remember him telling me that. It was the only way he was able to face the thought of leaving the islands. We felt the same way! So we booked flights for March and spent a good deal of the morning talking and planning. I finished another book: Turtles All the Way Down. I liked this one. It was written by the same author who wrote A Fault in our Stars, so it was full of deep-thinking teenagers. It was interesting. We ordered drinks by the pool, and we even got to watch Julia’s basketball game in Vegas. We shared AirPods and watched in on Greg’s phone. We kept cheering and high-fiving each other and laughing at all the good parts. It was so much fun. And they won! We lingered by the pool, not wanting those last day to end, but eventually we went up to get showered for dinner. After much debate, we finally decided just to hit up Longboards again! 😂 We ate a delicious dinner as the sun set out over the ocean and a local musician played his guitar and sang. It was so romantic. And the perfect way to end our day. We walked slowly across the resort in the dark back to our room. What an amazing day to be alive!

Our final day in Hawaii! We woke up early, grabbed our stuff and headed out. We were a little late getting out the door because I woke up with such a.backache! I slipped quickly into the hot bathtub one more time (I had taken a lot of hot baths! This tub was amazing and filled up in like thirty seconds!). Then I quickly got dressed and we hustled out the door. We put the top down on the convertible and drove to the airport. It has been such a fun car. I just soaked in the fresh air and the island sights. The airport was crowded and hectic. We got into four different lines before we finally found the right one. 😂 Then we rushed to our gate. I waited in line at Starbucks to try to grab us a quick snack while Greg stayed at the gate, making sure I wouldn’t miss the flight. We got some croissants and I got a slice of banana nut bread, my favorite! The flight went by quickly enough. It was so much better flying during the day. Greg says we are just too tall to sleep in our seats. And because we were so uncomfortable on the way there, we were so excited to get to sit together on the way home! I insisted that our flights with the kids in March were daytime flights. I think it’ll be the first time ever we don’t take the red-eye home. I also insisted we pay extra and choose our own seats so we are all together. I did some reading, writing, thinking, and a little napping on Greg, and before we knew it, we were landing in Vegas. I drove home so that Greg could watch another of Julia’s games. He gave me the play by play the whole way home. And she won again!! In fact, they went undefeated and won the championship! It was so awesome!

It was so good to get home and to see the kids. I am refreshed and recharged and ready for Christmas. My mom did an absolutely fabulous job managing our life here at home. And I am so very grateful for her!! I am so lucky and blessed. And so very grateful for such a wonderful week with Greg! Until
next time, ALOHA!!

Day 3 and 4 -Oahu 2019

Yesterday we had the most relaxing day. We had to switch rooms, but that was no problem. We moved into a huge room. I feel so guilty because we could easily fit more people in our room. 😂 We started the day with a lovely walk along the ocean. We went down to see the one other Lagoon we had yet to see. We ate our morning meal while looking out at the water. Then, we sat by the pool and the beach, I got the best massage—so firm that it about killed me some of the time, but felt sooo good. And helped so much. We ate at Longboards for breakfast and dinner. Greg said, “we really need to branch out!” But the food has been delicious and the view of the ocean is absolutely gorgeous. We sat a lot in the hot tub, met lots of people from Utah, and later, I took a hot bath in our big bathtub. I finished my book, “A Dangerous Act of Kindness.” I liked it, but didn’t love it. I also finished the third season of The Crown on Netflix. And I didn’t know they don’t have the fourth season out yet! That was a shock. 😂  We threw open the shutters and windows in our room and fell asleep with the breeze. An awesome day in paradise. ❤️

Today we got up and headed straight for Diamond Head. It was great to get into the convertible and drive with the top down. I really love that! We had some Honolulu traffic, but we finally made it and loved the hike. The views! Oh my goodness! And the stairs! Oh my goodness! 😂 We went back to Waikiki after the hike (and changed into our suits in the parking lot!😂) and were astounded by the crowded beach!! So many people. We swam in the ocean, walked along the beach, looked at all there was to see, did some shopping, and finished with lunch at Duke’s. It was delicious, but we both wished we were having a sunset dinner at Duke’s on Maui. That’s our favorite romantic spot! We did, however, love devouring our favorite hula pie! Even the waiter was amazed we ate it all. 😳😬 We came back to the resort and have been relaxing, swimming, hot tubbing, reading, and we even went down the water slide! The afternoon light is fading and it makes me grateful for another wonderful day. I miss the kids. And I’m so grateful for my mom!
This was a good day to live. ❤️

Oahu 2019 -Day 1 and 2

Something about the ocean at sunset makes me feel a bit reflective. The beauty of Hawaii always fills me with a gratitude that nearly bursts the confines of my heart. What is it? I asked Greg today, Is it the extra sun on my skin? the ocean breeze? the good smells? the blue skies and sunshine? the saltwater? What makes Hawaii so amazing?? I love it so much. This is the end of day 2. Two whole days of uninterrupted time with my Greg. We have fallen in love all over again. Yesterday we got off the airplane and into our white convertible and headed straight to Pearl Harbor. I had just finished an audiobook about World War 2 (not to mention the many, many other books I’ve read on this subject), and it was an honor and a delight to visit the memorial. We got malasadas (yummy, sugary Portuguese donuts) from the famous Leonard’s Bakery. Then we drove to the
North shore to the town Hale’iwa and sat at a beautiful little beach and watched the waves crash on the rocks and the locals surf. Then we ate delicious shrimp and rice at the famous Giovanni’s Shrimp Truck. Wow! It was so yummy. From there we went to Waimea Bay, where we both napped on the most beautiful beach until the rain forced us back to the car. We drove by Turtle Bay with intentions to come back, but it was raining. We made it to Laie, where else strolled around the beautiful temple, drove around BYU, took lots of selfies (because I love selfies! 😂) and then we went out to this amazing rocky point to see the ocean crash on these big rocky islands out in the ocean. We kissed a LOT on what we are sure is BYU’s make-out point. If there is one. 😂 And took more selfies. After that, we had yummy bbq at HI’s BBQ (another quaint food truck stop), there was a light drizzling rain while we ate. But it was fun and warm. We ended at the Courtyard in Laie. We were so tired, so we snuggled up in bed and called it a day at 6:00 pm.

This morning started a bit rough. I have had some serious back spasms going on. It’s most likely from trying to sleep sitting up in the airplane. Greg and I didn’t get to sit together so it was especially uncomfortable. But with a hope and a prayer, I got up and we’ve had a splendid day! We stopped at Sunset Beach and the Bonzai Pipeline Beach- two famous surfing beaches on the North Shore. They were out-of-this-world gorgeous. We had to stop and pick up a few more malasadas. 😋 And then we arrived in Ko Olina. We have had such a lovely day relaxing and enjoying the resort. We had some coconut shrimp and fish tacos at Longboard’s before dipping in the ocean lagoon. We just finished watching the sunset. Another beautiful day in paradise with my lover.

New School Year-- Big Update!

Here is our update:

Well, we are starting our third week of school.  Everyone seems to be moving along nicely.  I don’t know what is different, but this year, our school rhythm has been really nice.  Not quite so frantic in the mornings.  Part of that could be because I am finally sending the three oldest out the door at the same time!  Emma is a senior and is enjoying a lighter schedule this year.  She has three really hard classes and that is pretty much it.  She is taking “Piano” as an online class, and all she has to do is practice thirty minutes a day.  She loves to play, and so far it has been great.  Julia is enjoying high school and her favorite class is painting.  She is getting so good at it!  Both girls look super cute every single day!  They both made the varsity volleyball team and practice every day after school.  As of now (things change rapidly with this coach), they are both going to be the middle blockers for the varsity.  Go Jacobsen sisters! 

Miles is doing such a great job at middle school.  He is seriously LOVING Spanish class.  You don’t have to take it in eighth grade, and both of my girls didn’t, but I had a sneaking suspicion Miles might like it a lot.  And he does.  He spends his free time on DuoLingo (a language learning website).  He is also still doing his trumpet in the band, and he likes that too.  He was a little nervous about P.E. this year, but so far he has had a lot of fun. They have been playing basketball, and he found out that when you are almost six feet tall in eighth grade, there are some distinct advantages.  We also signed him up for rec Volleyball.  He is really excited. I am going to be the coach.  Miles and I have been practicing in the back yard, and he’s doing really well.  The girls are so excited for him, and jealous that he is so tall with such long arms.  They’ve been helping him too.  

Austin is loving fifth grade.  Everyone cheers when they see Austin.  Everyone wants to invite him over, and his friends are constantly knocking on our door!  We let them all come in, and I make them go swimming (which usually means borrowing Owen’s swimsuits! Ha ha!)  He is so obsessed with computers, coding games, playing video games, and scheming up all sorts of things.  Every single day, Austin gets in the car and has a plan for something.  The other day, he wouldn’t stop talking about a SmashBros tournament.  I let him talk about it for awhile, but then when I noticed him working hard making a flyer and all the brackets, I decided that I was proud of his initiative.  So we invited fifteen boys over after school for the tournament.  It was so wild!  And nobody, including Austin, could beat Owen!  Until the championship, when Owen finally lost to someone…the boys were screaming their heads off that someone had finally defeated Owen!  Owen, of course, didn’t appreciate everyone cheering against him, and I found him later, crying.  We had to have a talk about being a good sport, and how when you are really dominating everyone, sometimes everyone turns against you.  That’s a hard thing to learn when you are ultra competitive, seven years old, and among fifteen ten-year-olds.  Austin also got a lecture about sticking up for your brother.  But USUALLY, Owen loves having all of Austin’s friends around.  Owen just jumps right in the mix.  And they are all his size anyway.  Owen really likes his second-grade teacher.  He pretty much passed off all of the second-grade stuff during his pre-tests, but oh well.  He just keeps plugging along ahead of everyone.  :)  He is so excited to be on a soccer team with Greg as the coach.  They had the first practice and he loved it.  They got lucky and got the camoflauge uniforms.  He couldn’t be happier!  

Lance has started preschool again.  He is as cute as ever.  He finally got tired of watching video games and has now learned how to play them.  Oh boy!  But if I even get slightly mad at him if he throws a fit, he feels so sad.  So now all I have to say is, “Lance, do you want me to be mad at you?” and he will quickly calm down and obey.  He has been a super easy kid.  Except for his eating!  Still working on that one.  But he happily goes to school and primary and even has a few friends that invite him over or they come here.  It is so darn cute.  

Everyone loves our Legos.  Greg and the kids have so much fun working on them and dreaming up ideas for our city.  It is a really fun hobby!

I am trying one last ditch effort with my back before I go back to a doctor.  I’m trying to see if losing some weight and staying away from sugar will help.  Blah!  So far, it still hurts like heck.  I am just learning to live my life with constant pain.  And I am so thankful that I can still do so much!  But, in the meantime, I’ve really kicked up the healthy dinners, morning walks, and MyFitnessPal.  Greg and I are helping each other along.  My back is a sad, sad trial in my life.  But I have come to a better place about it, mentally.  I’m no longer in the depths of despair.  With some work, I can get functioning every day.  So, that is good.

Other than that, I have been super happy lately!  I love doing all of the mom stuff!  I absolutely love taking care of these kiddos.  It brings me so much joy.  I love riding bikes with them to school, having cookies ready when they get home, swimming with them in the evening, sitting on the edge of the girls’ beds and talking through things, watching them play and practice, reading to them at night, teaching them piano, making our home comfortable, and welcoming them home every day.  I am so blessed.  

We are all SO excited for Brynn’s wedding.  Our house and yard have been a beehive of activity getting things ready.  It’s been awesome to check off some yard and house projects that Greg and I have been neglecting.  This week we are going to string those cute lights across the yard and it will be magical!  I’ve fallen in love with the power washer.  Best thing ever!  I want to power wash everything. Twice.  We’ve got new pots, new plants, new rock, new trees, new lights, new pool lights, patio furniture that looks new (I polished every single piece! Whew!), new furniture in the house, and we’ve rewired a lot of our outdoor speakers that weren’t working right.  Everything looks and sounds amazing outside!  I am so excited for Saturday!! 

Life is so good and so happy here at our house.  We have our struggles, just like anybody else, but every morning, the sun rises, and we wake up pretty darn happy.   :)

August 27, 2018

WHY I AM GRATEFUL MY KIDS GO TO SCHOOL

On the very first day of school, just after I had walked my little ones into their new classrooms, kissed their suntanned little cheeks goodbye, and walked slowly back out to the car, I couldn’t decide if I should skip and sing or sit down and weep.  I had done it.  I had gotten five of my kids out the door, to high school AND middle school AND intermediate school AND elementary school for another year.  With one little one still in tow, I took a big, deep breath. 

I LOVE having my kiddos by my side.  I absolutely love nurturing them and teaching them and playing with them.  They are my whole world!  But I think all parents have doubts.  Which is why every now and then I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to keep them home with me instead of sending them out the door to school.  

I know some amazing homeschool mamas, and I respect them so much.  The way they pour their whole soul into educating their children is inspiring.  This isn’t about that.  I’m not choosing the “easy” way out by sending my kids to a public school. There isn’t a multi-tiered level of mothering where “sending kids to school” falls somewhere below “homeschooling,” and “working mother” is way down in the basement!  Each child is different.  Each family is different.  What really matters is that we love fiercely, nurture each other when we are together, and believe deeply in a lifelong education.  How that looks in my family might be completely different from how that looks in yours.  I also believe that we can ask our Father in Heaven to guide us.  He is the one who absolutely, completely knows what is best for YOUR children.  

I knew their first day would feel long.  I knew it would be hot.  Our temps are still climbing above 100 degrees every day.  I knew our glorious summer days together were coming to an abrupt halt.  And I knew that I would miss being the one answering their questions and laughing at their jokes all day long.  All these thoughts swirled through my mind as I pulled out of the school parking lot, joining a long line of skipping/weeping parents.  And probably because I’ve often dreamt of living in a little log cabin, wearing an apron, and reading the Bible to my children by firelight, I had a thought, “Wouldn’t I be a better mother if I just homeschooled my own children?”  (Maybe you’ve felt like that, too.  “Wouldn’t I be a better mother if I just (insert your own doubts here!)?”)

The morning sun was coming up over the crimson ridge behind me, the cows were slowly grazing in the field, and a small, reassuring voice quietly whispered into my ear, “But you’ve been homeschooling them all summer.”   

Immediately my mother heart filled with peace while my eyes filled with tears. I came home to my quiet house, hugged my three-year old tightly, grateful for his soft skin against my face.  And then I got to work.  I folded up the giant stack of pool towels and thought about every single summer day in our pool.  I thought of the hours I’ve spent teaching each child to swim, the sunscreen I’ve applied, the trips down the slide, the jumps off the waterfall, and all the water that has been splashed in my face.  

I straightened up the dressers and saw all the books we’ve read this summer.  I picked up “Little Britches,” a book I’ve been reading to my little boys about a young boy who helps his father in their homesteading adventure.  We’ve gone through it very slowly, because I stop almost every other paragraph to answer questions about hay rakes, and horses, and train trestles, and crops, and tornadoes.  We’ve googled images for horse-drawn hay mowers and one-room schoolhouses.  We’ve experienced the wonder of the frontier through the pages of a book.  

While wiping the kitchen counters, I paused while staring at the row of jars, each labeled with a different child’s name.  They all contained a different amount of colorful beads—the way we maintain our family economy.  I thought of the way the kids had worked hard to earn those beads, the way they had banded together to earn money for more Legos, the way my daughter had handled all the laundry all summer because, according to her, laundry was a “bead jackpot.”  And then I thought of our trip to Yellowstone, and our quest to see a bear, to see Old Faithful, to see “the woods”—some of my desert-living children were amazed!  I thought of the night we slept in the backyard, and how we talked about the stars overhead.  My mind just started exploding with motherhood memories.  

And then, I decided to formulate a list of all the amazing blessings of sending my children to school.  Of course I’ve heard parents express gratitude for school before.  But it’s often in an I-can’t-wait-to-get-my-kids-out-of-my-hair sort of way.  I certainly understand that sentiment.  But this isn’t that.  

This is Why I’m Grateful My Kids Go to a Public School.  (It is important to note that we live in a very amazing area with a very amazing school system.  I am aware that not everyone has this blessing. I would adjust in a heartbeat if this weren’t the case.)

1. It’s exciting!  We love the thrill of a new class, a new teacher, a new backpack (or a cleaned-up, spiffied-up old one!).  
2. The teachers are amazing!  I am so grateful for the time and effort and extra training our teachers go through so that they can show up and make learning a delight for my children.  I see their dedication, their love for the kiddos, and the creative way they keep up with technology and science and reading.  I am so grateful for the highly-educated educators who watch over my children on the daily.
3. We love the other students!  I know it can be hard sometimes to get along, but some of the best kids I know are walking the halls with my kids, rubbing shoulders, and putting their heads together.  When our family gathered for prayer on the first day of school, I prayed fervently that my children would recognize ways to brighten someone else’s day.  We still pray for that.  And I’m constantly reminding my children (especially on the hard days) that someone out there needs THEM.  I believe my kids can be lifted by their peers, and I hope that they are the ones lifting from time to time.
4. I get some special time with my littles!  I cherish the quiet moments when the big kids head out the door and I’m left with a few little ones at home.  It is so refreshing to have some special buddy-time together.  There are so many things I love about this!
5. The fun things about school!  I love the way my kids practically run out the door on special school days.  I am so grateful for the other parents who help make the holidays special, and the way the teachers provide exciting things to reward the class.  My kids love that!  I love the school sports my kids participate in and the all the band concerts, geography bees, and don’t even get me started about the Give Me Liberty program.  I couldn’t stop crying my patriotic tears as my kids recited the Gettysburg Address and sang the songs of freedom.  I am so grateful they’ve experienced that!
6. Sometimes I just love a change of pace!  With most of my kids off learning from someone else, I have time to think. I can organize a closet, plan a meal or two, whip out some laundry, work on my church calling, read, visit a lonely friend, call my mom, meet my husband for lunch, or go for a long walk with my sister.  In my seventeen years of motherhood, I’ve never done any of that without a little one (or two!) right by my side and usually my days are harder than that, but sometimes the stars align.  I’m still waiting for that “elusive” free time! Ha!
7. They get to come home!  I love the squeals from the little ones at the end of the day when I am standing there to greet them.  And the big ones coming in the door shouting, “Mom?” That’s the best.  I also love being there to listen to all of them unpack a day’s worth of feelings and emotions.  We eat snacks and practice instruments and go over spelling words while I work on dinner.  And then late at night, I help them wrestle with algebra and physics while the washing machine is working on volleyball uniforms, practice jerseys, and P.E. clothes.  When the last light is finally dimmed and I stumble to my welcoming bed, I can hear the words of my mother ringing through my ears.  She used to always say, “I homeschool!!  Every day from 3:00 to 10:00!”  Let’s face it, Mom, some nights it went later than that!  

My list could go on.  And my words might sound completely ridiculous and outlandish to you, especially if your situation is vastly different than mine. I know every family is different! Maybe you work full time, and you wish you could spend more time at home.  Maybe you wish you could work.  Maybe you are going to school yourself and you have to split your time unevenly.  Maybe you homeschool and you doubt whether or not you have the right qualifications.  And maybe you are exactly like me!  But no matter our situation, it can be a blessing to our family.  WE can be a blessing to our family.  So go ahead and make that list of “Why I’m Grateful…WE DO WHAT WE DO….”  Your list should be as unique as you are.  

I heard this quote yesterday, and I want to add it here: It’s not happy people who are grateful, it’s grateful people who are happy! 

I am so grateful for my children.  I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.  I am thankful that we all have the God-given ability to be grateful in any circumstance, to change what needs to be changed, and to ask in faith for His quiet guidance.   

I am also grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who quietly reassures me that I AM ENOUGH. 

Miles- 7th Grade 

Lance - Preschool

Julia - 9th Grade

Owen - 1st, Austin - 4th

Emma - Junior Year

January 25, 2019

I love my husband. He absolutely means the world to me.  And our marriage is awesome. But we are thick in the trenches of parenthood.  We’ve got little ones and high schoolers.  We are dancing the same dance we’ve been dancing for years.  We laugh and love and play, and cry and get upset and apologize.  It’s marriage.  And it takes effort, and we face the pressures of life creeping in everywhere we turn.  He’s my partner and lover.  And I’m sure he’s trying his level best to be all that he can be…for me!  But I need so much from him.  And he needs so much from me.  It’s just the way it works.  We are like two draft horses yoked together—we need each other to survive.  We need the other one to keep pulling hard to move the load.  Neither one of us can stop and sit. It’s happy and hard, and I wouldn’t want anyone else by my side.

A few weeks ago, our whole family watched the movie, “Only You,” with Marissa Tomei and Robert Downey, Jr.  It was as sweet and cheesy as ever.  The kids all loved it.  But I noticed something that made me a little lonely.  Faith, the main character, is super close with her sister-in-law, Kate.  They sit cross-legged together and eat pizza and easily talk.  They’ve grown up together.  Kate shows up at Faith’s house the exact moment she is trying on her husband’s grandmother’s wedding dress.  Faith is discouraged, and Kate laughs with her and promises to make it all okay.  And when Faith runs off hog-wild to catch a flight to Italy, chasing her destiny and some name she heard as a youngster, Kate doesn’t talk about budgets and responsibilities, she frantically packs a bag for Faith, races to the airport, and tells Faith that she is going to Italy right along with her.  And she does.

There is this moment in Italy, when Kate starts to cry about her marriage, thinking it’s probably over.  Faith is perched on a low rock wall, and Kate leans her head into Faith’s lap and cries.  Faith smoothes Kate's hair, and lovingly soothes her as they sit there leaning on each other, both with aching hearts.  Through all the ups and downs and crazy shenanigans they pull, they have each other.  

Now.  I know it’s just a movie.  But it made me lonely for a friendship like that.  I feel lonely for the kind of friend who has known you your whole life—who just gets you completely.  I want the kind of friend who is easy to be around, who makes life fun and full, who is battling similar battles in life, but they are her own, and mine are my own, and we don’t need each other to solve our problems, but we listen and understand each other.  I’m lonely for the kind of friend who is comfortable to lean against and who shows up at my door often. She needs to live close and be there in all the right moments.  And preferably have the kind of schedule that lets her drop everything and fly to Italy if that’s my current whim. It’s a tall order.  Ha ha.  I started thinking about the old saying that goes, to have a friend, you need to be a friend.  And I’m certainly not doing a good job being this kind of friend for anyone.  In fact, I’m rather overwhelmed.  

I was crying about this to my husband.  Sobbing actually.  Which felt good.  And he was listening so attentively while rubbing my feet, that I knew I would feel better because of his love.  I was trying to decide if he was really the only friend I need, but so many of our stresses are the same, and he can’t just casually show up, eat pizza and laugh with me, and then be on his way.  We are too entrenched in the same life, so interconnected that very few moments are as free and easy as that.  Besides, every man needs a good woman, and every woman needs a good man…AND a good woman (in other words, a friend!) I was calming down when my phone rang.  It was my mom.  I took some deep breaths, hoping to hide the fact that I had been sobbing.  A few sentences into the conversation, however, she asked if I had a cold.  So I told her I had been crying to Greg.  I told her how overwhelming my life is.  It is everything I want it to be, but it is more than I can almost handle sometimes.  So many people, so many stresses, so many things.  Mostly good things, but just so many things.  And no time to have a friend.

Soon, she had me laughing about her crazy stories when she was in my exact shoes. She told me that she understands what I’m going through.  She knows about the busy schedules and hefty church callings and family stresses.  And then she said, “Life is intense.  I know what you are going through, except I didn’t even have a microwave!”  We both burst out laughing.  I could hear the “hug” in her voice.  I asked her how she always made it through.  And she told me that every now and then, she’d have a good cry, just like I was doing, and then she would pull herself up by her bootstraps, just like she knew I would do, and she would move forward, learning, growing, getting better, and becoming better.   After that, I didn’t feel so lonely.  I'm so thankful for my mom.

I know I have people around me who care about me deeply.  It’s weird to feel lonely in a house full of people, but sometimes I do.  And that’s probably pretty normal.  I also know I won’t change anything about my life, even if it is overwhelming at times.  It is beautiful and hard.  And so I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and hang on for the ride.  There are a few relationships in my life that approach the “Faith and Kate” status, but time and distance have gotten in the way.  Instead, I’m going to work on being this kind of friend to my husband and kids.  The kind who loves you, gets you, and finds time to just be there for you, even if you are slightly crazy.  Everyone needs a friend like that. 

January 15, 2019

I was listening to the Book of Mormon this rainy morning while standing in front of the mirror fixing my hair. The familiar stories of Nephi and his family were floating around the bathroom—stories that I know by heart.  I love to search for any new nuggets of wisdom while listening to these well-known stories from the scriptures.  Certainly there are lessons that I haven’t previously noticed—things that will matter to me right here, right now.  Suddenly, I had the thought, “Why did Laman and Lemuel even go?”  Why did they go with their father?  They complained, bitterly, against him.  They dragged their feet.  They claimed to not even believe what he was telling them.  It seems like they were old enough to take care of themselves.  And we even know that Lehi left in such a rush that the family home, full of gold and silver and precious things, was left behind, untouched.  Why didn’t Laman and Lemuel stay?  Why didn’t they run away and run back to their home?  Perhaps there were safety issues with remaining at home, but still, why didn’t they go their own way?

The audio kept playing from my phone as I pondered these thoughts.  I started paying attention again just as I got to the part where Laman and Lemuel obey their father and head straight back to Jerusalem with Nephi and Sam.  They were charged with the task of obtaining the brass plates, which contained scripture as well as a record of their genealogy.  Laman was even the one who went in to talk to Laban, in an attempt to fulfill his father’s request.  Laban threatened Laman, sought to kill him, and Laman barely escaped with his life!  That story got me thinking.  I started making a list in my mind of all the hard things that Laman and Lemual actually did do.  If you take out the murmuring and rebellion, Laman and Lemuel’s life story reads really differently.  

Laman and Lemuel fled Jerusalem with their family, leaving all that they knew and loved behind.  Laman and Lemuel traveled in the wilderness, hunting for food and living in a tent.  Laman and Lemuel were nearly killed when they attempted to get the brass plates.  Laman and Lemuel fled for their lives while being robbed of all of their family’s riches.  They returned to the wilderness, and then came back to Jerusalem AGAIN to convince another family to join them in the wilderness.  They married and started families while in the wilderness.  They suffered along with everyone else when there was no food, no fire, and no comfort.  And YET, they kept on going.  They were understandably doubtful when their younger brother, Nephi, told them he was going to build a ship to cross the ocean.  But eventually (there is a lot more to this story!), they did repent, “did worship the Lord, and did go forth with [Nephi]; and did work timbers of curious workmanship.” (1 Nephi 18:1)  They helped Nephi finish the ship, and that must have been long, hard work! When the ship was ready, they saw that it was good.  And they were even humbled by the sight of it.  Then, they actually got on the ship, ready to CROSS THE OCEAN!! That took some guts.  

I just kept thinking about Laman and Lemuel.  We all know them as the murmuring, murderous older brothers who caused an insane amount of heartache and sorrow to Nephi and the rest of his family.  They kept threatening to quit. They kept arguing and complaining.  They kept trying to do it their own way.  But during the whole arduous journey to the promised land, they didn’t quit.  Somehow, they kept going.  They did all the hard things, but without the comfort and peace of the gospel.  They did all the hard things, and received none of the blessings into their hearts.  Nephi, on the other hand, said, “Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions.” (1 Nephi 18:16)  

Life can be so challenging.  We all have trials and heartache and sorrow to wade through.  The only difference is that some of us are wading through it while murmuring and complaining, and others are like Nephi, wading through it with the help of the Lord.  But the interesting point is that we all have to wade through it.  Sometimes we are doing all of the right things, all of the hard things, but our hearts are not in the right place. Laman and Lemuel aren’t remembered for all that they DID do, but they are remembered as the brothers who complained.  Which is sad, because they did a lot of the hard things—with the wrong attitude.  

I thought of myself.  I thought of the many times I want to quit.  When everyone is crying and fussing around me, and little boys are full-on fighting, and the house seems so chaotic, and everyone is demanding something from me, I think, “That’s it. I’m outta here!”  Of course, I haven’t quit.  So far.  But that’s the Laman and Lemuel in me.  They didn’t quit either.  But they complained and griped and had a terrible attitude.  I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else but me, but I think I can fall prey to doing the "right" thing with the "wrong" attitude.  And I want to remember Laman and Lemuel the next time I find my attitude lacking.  

I love Nephi.  So much of his story is about persevering in the face of daunting trials.  He proclaimed, “I will go and do…” and then he did.  We love and honor him for all that he did, because his heart was willing.  And he recognized the Lord’s hand in his life.  

We aren’t blessed for what we do, for what we go through.  We are blessed for the “way” we go through it.  And those blessings come in the form of peace during adversity, comfort during hardships, and joy during trials.  When we turn to Lord, we are blessed with strength beyond our own.  Oh, what a difference those blessings could have made for Laman and Lemuel.  

January 2, 2019

The second day of the year!  We started it off with a bang!  Emma tossed her cookies in the night.  I decided that I was feeling sick, too.  It was a good excuse to climb back into bed with my brand new Minky blanket after dropping Julia off at her early morning practice.  Greg went back to work today, but the kids don't start until tomorrow.  I eventually pulled myself out of my warm bed to face the day.  I've sort of been lacking ambition lately.  I tossed some cereal in the direction of my little ones, got myself put together, and headed to the high school.  Today was class-change day and Emma and Julia both needed adjustments to their schedules.  I waited in line with the other high schoolers, wishing that Emma felt good enough to join me.  But I finally got it done just in time to pick up Julia from practice.  She convinced me to stop for Einstein bagels on the way home (which had originally been our plan for the last day of the break, but then Emma made me think otherwise.  I didn't know Emma was texting Julia telling her to beg me to pick them up anyway!).  Apparently bagels did the trick because all of us started feeling much better after a bagel or two.

My dang back is super out of sorts.  And that's all I want to say about that.

It is also very cold outside for St. George.  The sun is shining, but it is cold!!

I really don't want Christmas break to be over.  It is so much easier to have my kids at home.  I'm going to be one sad lady in the morning.

I climbed into the bathtub last night, hoping to ease my back, and moaned a little to Greg, who was sitting on the bed with a crossword.  "I don't have any good talents or hobbies," I complained after perusing Facebook, the land of the amazingly talented people.  And of course, Greg quickly reassured me that, yes, I do have talents and hobbies.  I know I do.  I just have been feeling a little down because my talents aren't all that visible.  I don't excel in photography, art, home decorating, cooking, baking, physical exercise...I don't have some cool business or "side gig" that is going gang busters.  I don't have a job (thankfully), and I don't even have friends.  Boo hoo.  Boo hoo.  Well, that's about how I felt sitting in that warm tub.  I mostly just clean.  All day.  I am astounded that we can all kill ourselves cleaning for eight straight hours, and then wake up the next day and look around and there is still so much to do.  I've been thinking a lot about New Year's Resolutions, I guess.  When I close my eyes, I try to envision who I want to be: the woman who wakes up early to exercise, read her scriptures, and shower.  Then she bustles around cleaning and cooking and singing with joy.  But then I snuggle down in my covers and go back to sleep.  Sleeping in feels better.

It seems like we should all go back to school and work on New Year's Day.  It is hard to turn over a new leaf on a day when we can stay in our pajamas all day, eating treats, and relaxing!

December about did me in this time.  I've evaluated things so that hopefully I can make it better this year.  I think I have a pretty good idea about what made it so much more difficult for me: High School basketball!!  I never dreamed we would be biting our nails through the varsity games.  Julia starts varsity (as a freshman!!) and it has been one of the most exciting things Greg and I have ever had the privilege to enjoy.  We are having SO much fun!!  She is rocking it.  Exceeding all of our expectations!  But no matter how much I tell myself to remain calm, I just can't!  We have had a few overtime games, and even a double overtime game!  Julia is such a big part of the team.  I have left every game with my stomach in knots.  My emotions are soaring high a couple times each week.  After one intense overtime win, Greg and I could hardly sleep.  I still felt adrenaline coursing through my veins the next day!  And that was going on all through December.  Not to mention everything it takes to get Julia to and from practice and early-morning weight training, and to get her prepared and ready for each event.  I'm packing uniforms and snacks and getting her fed and into bed...it's stressful.
My other stressor has been Relief Society!  I was in charge of the Ward Christmas Devotional, which took a lot of work.  Then we've had family deaths and cancer and surgeries.  We've also had a lot of changes to get ready for the new year, and on one Sunday in December, our teacher called in sick right as I was walking into church.  I taught that lessons, and it went great.  But I think I've had a lot going on.  Then, you add in Christmas for a family of eight, all the food, all the cleaning, all the work, and I'm ready for a bit of break.  A mental break, that is, because I've taken a lot of baths and slept in a lot of days and stayed in my pajamas, and I'm still searching for my gumption.

Tomorrow feels like the day I go back to the grind.  It feels like the day I start running around again, just trying to keep it all together.  It is also the day Julia's team plays Cedar.  They are ranked number one in the State.  It feels like I will be super stressed all evening!  Deep breaths!!  How can my life be so perfect and fun and SO overwhelming and stressful at the same time?!?!

Who am I kidding?  I don't really have time to paint or learn photography even if I wanted to.  Besides, I've got a Minky blanket and a good book calling my name.  I can turn over a new leaf tomorrow.  Ha!

January 1, 2019

Good morning, 2019!

I think as you get older, the turning of the calendar from an old year to a new one gets more significant, more poignant, somehow.  It's a little less party and a lot more pondering.  And then when you've lost someone dear to you, it takes on a different feeling altogether.  I noticed a lot of people commenting on social media yesterday about the passage of time that takes us all farther down the road, and away from the time we had with those who are gone.  It's easy to wake up day after day and get lost in the grind.  New Year's Eve sort of wakes you up and forces you to acknowledge that time passes, kids grow up, people pass on, lives change, and I am getting older.

Last night, as my teenagers and a few of their friends ran out into the cold, with the noisemakers I had purchased a few days before, screaming and dancing around, I watched through the glass doors, with my robe pulled tightly around me.  Greg was already asleep, like usual, we joked.  It had been such a fun day.  We had cleaned for about eight hours straight!  The girls and I did makeovers together while the boys played.  We ate Texas Toast French toast dripping with butter and syrup and drank from the sparkling cider bottles I picked up from Harmon's.  I made my mom's homemade caramel, which is so dangerously delicious that I once ate the entire pan!  Greg sat concentrating on a super hard puzzle while we all laughed and talked and had a good evening.  Everybody went to bed way too late.  I dozed off while reading my book in bed, but eventually the fireworks outside--that seemed to burst for over two hours straight!--woke me back up.  I was just in time to stand by the glass doors and watch Emma, Julia, Miles and Austin, and a few of the girls' friends dance and scream outside to ring in the New Year.  Then it was hugs and kisses good night.

I stayed in bed this morning.  I was only half awake.  My back was aching too much to keep sleeping.  But I started thinking again about my dad.  He wasn't here for a single day of 2018.  That seems strange.  And sad.  I thought about my little family.  I keep saying we are currently enjoying family perfection.  My youngest is four, my oldest is seventeen.  Every one of my little chicks is safely tucked under my wings.  It's just us.  Nobody has left the coop.  Nobody new has invaded. Ha!  Everyone is old enough to have fun, and still young enough to have fun.  I am enjoying this so much. I can see the changes on the horizon, so I'm trying to keep my gaze away from that horizon.

My friend lost her dad on Christmas Day.  It has been so heartbreaking for their family.  I took Emma and went over for a visit on Sunday evening.  We hugged and cried.  My friend expressed what I've already learned--that once it happens to you, you suddenly feel so much more sympathy when it happens to someone else.  When you hear that someone "older" died, you don't realize how sad it is.  Her dad was 74.  I felt the familiar frustration well up inside me, my dad was only 65!!  But I could see how devastated she was, even when he was 74.  I said something like, It's always heartbreaking, until maybe someone hits their late 90s, and then it's easier to handle.  We both laughed a little at that.  She said she felt robbed of 20 years, I thought in my head that I felt robbed of 30 years!  We ended by talking about the way gratitude is the way to make it through.  Gratitude for a lifetime with a fantastic dad.  Gratitude for sweet memories.  Gratitude for those who are still in our lives.

Once we got back home, Emma wanted to show me a sweet picture she had found on the computer.  In 2010, my mom's mom died in her 90s...and I had to eat my words, because there on the screen was a picture of my heartbroken mom.  Apparently if you lose your parent in their 90s, it is still devastating.  But I couldn't look away from the way my dad was comforting her, and I very distinctly heard his voice saying, "I'm here for you. Don't cry."  It's a beautiful picture.

Now, onto 2019.  Another year.  365 fresh new blank pages in the story of our lives.  I'm not sure if this holiday feels exciting or not.  But it definitely feels like a day to take notice of.  It feels like a day to recommit to those we love.  To recommit to the things that matter most.  And I don't have to think for very long to know what those things are!  Happy New Year!  It's going to be another good one!