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| Julia is far left, then a teammate, Kami, and then Emma (facing us). My beautiful volleyball girls!! |
Yesterday, while the girls were downing their french toast, the windows were open and I could hear Austin and Owen playing outside with their little friends. Miles was running on the treadmill -- we are training for another race -- and Lance was quietly playing with his new toys on the family room floor. I just stood there in the kitchen and thought, "I couldn't be any happier." It was such a beautiful moment.
I think I especially noticed this moment because I have had a lot of struggles lately. I've been tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, stressed, and all sorts of other things. Sometimes, this house and this family overwhelm me. I have such a bad back, and sleep continues to elude us, what with sick little ones, busy teenagers, and early mornings. I recently went to this awesome Women's Retreat with my cousin Emily. I had the BEST time ever. It focused on a lot of things, but one of the main topics was strengthening marriage. We learned a lot about human intimacy. I came home so energetic! I was ready to focus on my marriage. For too long, I felt, I have put other things higher than my marriage: kids, schedules, LIFE! I felt strongly that I needed to change that. Greg and I have been working on making us a priority. But we hit a huge WALL of exhaustion. Unfortunately, life is still smacking us in the face, even if we wanted to focus on each other more. For a few weeks, we would stay up long after the kids, talking into the night. And then I just got so tired. Life feels so chaotic when you are tired. I was trying so hard to work harder. And then my back just felt like it was going to give out on me. I'm still the Relief Society President and I just can't ignore that fact, either. I also can't ignore the fact that I have six children, with wants and needs and struggles of their own. I feel like I'm dishing out medicine, talking through emotions, running around finding things they need "last minute," tucking people into bed, wiping tears, washing, cleaning, washing again, trying to smile, trying to cook, trying to make sure I have enough food, trying to dig through the clean clothes for the right practice shirt, filling water bottles-so many water bottles, trying to think about my calling, my neighbors, my family, and then I can't find time for myself or my husband. Ugh!!
During General Conference, I heard the phrase "increase your spiritual capacity" numerous times. I sat there listening (it was such a beautiful day) and tried to envision a new, better me. I definitely want a calmer, more peaceful me. I want to let some of the stresses of the world wash off of me. I've been reading the Book of Mormon daily like our prophet challenged us. I've been praying and writing and trying to focus on a more spiritual me. I spent the whole morning listening to conference talks while I cleaned. Yesterday I took Lance in the stroller and walked briskly down the road past the farms and the cows. The sun was shining and I enjoyed pumping my arms and legs. I came right home and took some Ibuprofen, hooked up my massager, and rested my back. I read my Book of Mormon for a while before I dozed off for just a second. I awoke to the door opening and kids rushing in. And eventually I was standing in the kitchen, basking in a beautiful moment of motherhood.
The varsity team lost last night. The first loss of league play all season. It was stressful and sad. Greg and I were so in to it...at one moment I looked over at Greg and asked if he were okay. He looked sick! He said, "I'm just so nervous!" We clung to each other and tried to survive the ups and downs of the fast-paced game of volleyball. Emma played so great. We cheered and screamed and watched the team eventually go down in defeat. It is hard to come home after a night like that. It was about 9:30 when we got back. The girls were starving and hyped up. I started dishing up another dinner. We were all talking and decompressing and before I knew it, we were all chowing down on ice cream. The girls deserved it after working so hard. But Greg and I had been sitting on our duffs the whole time. I've also discovered that it isn't very easy to be healthy at this time in our lives. There are so many distractions! Miles has become a champion babysitter. He had everyone showered and ready for bed. He even had Lance asleep in his bed. But there were still little ones clamoring for my time and attention. And big girls clamoring for my time and attention, too. By the time everyone was all settled in for a good night's sleep, Greg and I were exhausted. We laid there, side by side in our bed, talking over the game for a few minutes until we started drifting off.
I think Greg needs much, much more of my time and attention. But I'm hanging on for dear life most of the time. I'm thankful that our love is deep. I'm thankful that I have so many people to love, even if it is draining me most of the time. I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who will help me and give me strength beyond my own. I'm thankful that I get to do that which I love the very most in life- be a wife and mother. I have been so richly blessed. And I am thankful for moments where I can see the divinity in my life.
